


An Act of Contrition

by JRC10



Category: General Hospital
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-30
Updated: 2019-03-30
Packaged: 2019-12-26 17:20:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 27
Words: 28,871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18286793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JRC10/pseuds/JRC10
Summary: Julian and Alexis are each in their own therapy.





	1. From the Other Side

From the Other Side

_________________________________

 

"I destroyed my life with bad decision after bad decision. My rock bottom was when my wife left me for another man last week. A man who could keep a job. A man who didn't yell at her, or throw things, or hit the walls when he was angry, a man who..."

"Oh, shit! I'm sorry, I'm so sorry! Someone help me up!"

An elderly woman had fallen tipping her chair backwards in boredom during the AA meeting. Alexis jumped up to help the woman.

"Are you ok?" asked Alexis, pulling the woman to her feet.

"Oh, I'm fine sweetheart. Fine. I just fell. You know how it is. Stop, drop, and roll."

"You're supposed to do that when you're on fire, not at an AA meeting while this gentleman who has been sober for only a week is telling his story for the first time."

"Oh, I'm sorry young man." The woman, who looked to be in her mid-seventies, stumbled over to the man and gave him a big hug. "Take it one day at a time, fella. One day at a time. Until you're as old as me, then you can skip a few days of sobriety. I mean, my days are numbered anyway right? Skip days are my reward for being good on the other days."

Alexis could tell by the way the woman was slurring her words, stumbling around, and reeked of metabolizing alcohol, today was one of her skip days. Alexis went to the woman and pulled her away from the young man. "Why don't we step outside for a quick break."

"Oh, I don't need a break. I need a signature on my AA card or my probation officer isn't going to be very happy."

"Why are you on probation?"

"They tried to say it was a DUI, but I was perfectly fine. I only had two drinks that morning, and I was fine to drive. But all they care about is if you can walk a straight line and touch your nose while singing the alphabet."

"Didn't they do a blood or urine test on you."

"Well, of course. But those don't mean anything. I have a high tolerance."

"You have a high tolerance, but you failed a field sobriety test?"

The old woman shook her head. "Lady, you're making this a skip day."

Alexis led her out of the room. "I think it was already a skip day."

"You're making it a skip week."

"Come on."

The lady had to hold onto Alexis to keep her balance. She kept pulling Alexis to the left as they walked.

"Quit yanking on me," said the lady.

"Then quit walking like a salvaged vehicle."

The lady laughed. "You know, I've salvaged a few parts on this old body. These are new." She pointed to her breasts. "I got them seven years ago. And this about fifteen years ago." She slapped her bottom.

Alexis couldn't help but smile as she pushed the button for the elevator. "What's your name?"

"Shirley Maclaine."

Alexis laughed. "You are not Shirley Maclaine."

"I've been told all my life I look just like her."

Alexis saw a resemblance. "What's is your real name?"

"Grace Martin. Are you hitting on me Ms...?"

"Davis. Alexis Davis. And no, I'm trying to get you home safe so you don't get another DUI or fall over another chair and break a hip."

"Oh no. No I can't break another one of those. Already did that once. I got that new part salvaged three years ago." 

Alexis couldn't help but laugh as they stepped in the elevator and pushed the button for the garage. "Where to you live? I'll take you home."

"Baltimore."

"What are you doing in Port Charles?"

"I was visiting my daughter. She's locked up, probably for the rest of her life. When I drove out there to see her...Busted! A real jerk of cop if you ask me. Pretty as hell though. Officer Chastity or Deputy Chase or something."

"Where are you staying?"

The lady squinted her eyes. "You know. I don't remember."

"You don't remember? Is it a hotel? An apartment? Do you have a neighbor or a roommate we could call?"

"Yes! I have a neighbor!"

"What's her number?"

Grace shook her head. "No idea."

"Well, do you have a cell phone with any numbers in it?"

Grace was still shaking her head from the last question, and continued shaking for next, "Nope, I just got forty bucks for it at this dive bar, The Fondled Ribs."

"You sold your phone to finance your skip day?"

Grace's shaking head turned in to a circling motion that wasn't quite a nod. "Yep."

"Ok, ok," said Alexis. "Maybe I'll put you in a hotel for the night."

"Yes! That would be spectacular! A minibar will..."

"No minibar!"

"Room service?"

"Oh God. Ok, well. I'll take you to..."

Grace's eyes were closing and her steps were getting shorter.

"Grace! Shirley!! Wake up, sweetheart! Don't pass out on me!"

"You wish. The last person I passed out on had the night of his life."

"Dear God."

Alexis dragged to Grace her car as quickly as she could. She shoved her into the backseat, and fought with both Grace and the buckle to put on her seatbelt. Then, she got in the car and started her way home.

"This is a terrible idea," she told the snoring woman in her back seat.


	2. Moving Forward

Moving Forward

__________________________

 

"You brought her home?" Kevin laughed as Alexis told him about Grace.

"I did! I can't believe it. She threw up in my car!"

"No!"

"I had to half carry her into my house. She slept on my couch for about fifteen hours. I had court that morning, and she was still sleeping when I got home at lunch."

"Well, I'm sure Grace is grateful to you now she's sober."

"Unless it's another skip day."

"Too true. You liked her though."

Alexis nodded. "As much of hassle as she was, she made me laugh. And I was sad for her. She has nothing. No one. Not even on my worst day of drinking did I have so little."

"You're a compassionate soul, Alexis. You can find light in the darkest places."

Alexis smiled. "You're talking about Julian, Ric, Jerry, and Sonny, aren't you?"

"And Stefan and Nikolas."

"I see a little bit of good and I go running to compromise myself for these men. Yes, I see the pattern."

"You see people as a whole, not just for their mistakes."

"I filter all the wrong characteristics of a person."

Kevin sighed, "Beating yourself up isn't going to help you."

"Ignoring the truth won't either."

"Alexis, you said yourself, the first time you met Julian, he wasn't a criminal. Then, when you met him again, you thought him a legitimate business man. You were falling for him, the father of your child, the grandfather of your grandson, before you knew he was a criminal."

"I must have picked up on something nefarious about him, otherwise I would have run the opposite way down the aisle, like with Ned."

Alexis stood up pacing. "I think about him every day, Kevin."

"Julian?"

She nodded. "I miss him all the time. I miss being so happy. I miss being loved with that level of intensity. It's intoxicating. Without it, something in my life feels like it's missing."

"You mean you miss being loved that way by Julian in particular. You don't seem to miss it so much from any of those other men."

Alexis rolled her eyes, "First of all, I don't think Jerry is capable of real love. And Sonny and I never loved each other in that way. We were attracted to each other. We slept together. But it wasn't that kind of love. It was friendship, attraction, and eventually family."

"And what about Ric?"

"We tried. There were times when I felt it was real. But can someone really love you and sleep with your daughter the first chance they got?"

"And Ned?"

"Ned is my dear friend. I love Ned."

"But not like you love Julian."

She shook her head. "There's no one like Julian."

"Why? What is it about him?"

Alexis sighed and sat back in her chair. "Aside from him being physically beautiful? Julian has this passion for me, this obsessive devotion to me. Even at his worst, I don't doubt he loved me. Countless times he protected me. He risked his life for me. 

"But he didn't know how to love me the right way when things went wrong. He was never loved in the right way before, so he had no frame of reference.

"That's the hardest part. The love was there. And I believed in him with everything I had. I was convinced he changed. The problem was he didn't have a clue what it meant to change. I still don't think he really knows. If forced in the same situation all over again, I think he'd do the same thing. He believes hurting me to protect me was his only option."

"And you would rather be hurt by someone you don't love than someone you do."

Alexis felt a tear drip down her cheek.


	3. Motivation

Motivation

__________________________

 

Julian's heart broke as he watched Leo get on the hospital elevator to go home with is mother. 

"Bye bye, little man," he said to his son as the doors closed. He hung his head, sad that all he had of his family were visits with Leo scheduled around Ned and Olivia's convenience, and attending an annual check-up with the pediatrician.

"Uncle Julian, what are you doing here?" Kiki walked up to him with a strange look on her face.

"Don't worry, Kiki, I'm not causing any problems," he said, knowing Kiki was probably suspicious of why he was at her workplace. "Leo just had a check up."

"How's my cousin?"

"Healthy as a horse." Julian smiled, grateful his son was doing so well, remembering last year when his sister Olivia made Julian think she poisoned him.

"That's great."

"Well, I don't want to get in your way. I'll take off." 

Julian made to move away, but Kiki grabbed his arm quickly, "No, no, um, actually, I was wanting to catch up with you."

"What?" Julian couldn't believe his ears. He looked at Kiki again. He thought she hated him.

On second glance, something was wrong with her. She was shaking. She was looking over her shoulder as if someone was about to come up behind her. There was no one there.

"Hey, you ok? You look a little jumpy."

"I'm good. I'm fine. I just was interested in my uncle. I know we haven't been that close since..." Julian appreciated she didn't use the words �tried to kill your wife' out loud. They were always hard words to hear. "But you're family. You were really there for me when I thought my mom died. And you were there for me when she was burned."

Julian scanned the large hospital nurses station and waiting room. He didn't see any unusual activity or suspicious characters.

"Thank you, Kiki. Family means everything."

"Right." Kiki looked over her shoulder and seemed to relax. "Ok, well, I better get back to work. See ya."

Now Julian grabbed her arm as she walked past, "Wait up."

Kiki jumped at the touch of his hand on her arm. She let out a quiet yelp as if shocked by the contact. Julian took his hand off her immediately, not meaning to scare her. "Kiki, is something wrong? You look like a deer in the headlights."

She tried to play it off, "No, I'm fine really. Thanks for talking to me for second. But I better go."

She walked off. 

Julian decided to follow her down the hall to make sure she was ok. Kiki was walking with her arms wrapped around herself, rubbing her hands up and down her arms as though she was cold, or shaken up...or vulnerable. 

The hair on the back of his neck stood up. If Kiki was in trouble...If someone was trying to hurt her...

A door opened to his right.

"Julian!"

His heart leap, trying to jump out to the woman it spent it's' life beating for. "Alexis."

"Are you..."

Julian interjected, "I'm not following you. Trust me, I heard you the last time we talked. I didn't know you were here."

She smiled softly, "I was just going to ask if you were ok? You're at a hospital, after all."

"Oh, I'm fine. I was here for a check-up with Leo. Then I ran into Kiki. I'm not sure she's ok though. She seemed upset."

Alexis nodded. She looked as though she wanted to ask more questions about Kiki, but thought better of talking to him for too long. 

"Are you ok?" he asked, realizing Alexis just stepped out of the doctor's office.

"Yeah, um, I was just, um..."

Kevin Collins stepped out behind Alexis.

"Oh, therapy," said Julian. He didn't know what to say knowing he was a major reason she was there.

"Bye, Julian." She walked away. Julian stared as she strode down the hall at a quick pace. He shook his head in defeat. She couldn't get away from him fast enough.

"Hey, doc," Julian said to Kevin.

"Yes?"

"You're seeing Alexis in therapy?"

Kevin shook his head. "I'm not at liberty to discuss who I am or am not seeing in therapy."

"It just doesn't seem right, or fair, that she's the one who has to be in therapy after everything she's been through. She shouldn't have to be suffering."

"No one HAS to be in therapy with me, Julian. It's not a punishment to be in therapy."

"I didn't mean it like that. I just meant she didn't do anything wrong. I hate the idea of her suffering."

Kevin nodded. "Everyone could use therapy. Everyone suffers. And everyone makes mistakes."

Kevin moved to walk by him. Julian jumped to keep pace.

"Everyone, huh? Even me?" asked Julian.

"I'm sure you, too."

"Can you see me? Could I be your patient?"

Kevin stopped walking and faced him, his expression severe. "Why would you want therapy?"

"Like you said, everyone suffers."

"You want to alleviate your suffering?"

"No. No, I want to fix things in my life so I don't make the people I love suffer."

Kevin's face softened. "I can't see you, Julian."

"Oh, right." If Kevin was seeing Alexis, that would be a conflict.

"But I can refer you to a colleague of mine."

"Is he any good?"

"She. Yes. She's very good. As a matter of fact, I think she'd be particularly good for you."

"Why do you say that?"

"She's not the type to let you get away with anything."

Julian rolled his eyes. "I'm not trying to get away with anything."

Kevin smirked. "Sure." He handed Julian a card he fished out of his wallet. "Dr. Sophia Avila. Call her quickly, while she's still accepting patients."

Kevin walked away. Julian wondered what Alexis was telling Kevin about him to cause him to be so short with him. Julian looked at Dr. Avila's card. "No time like the present." He took out his phone and dialed the number.


	4. Turning the Tables

Turning the Tables

______________________________

 

When a face that looked quite similar to Shirley Maclaine walked into room after the AA meeting, Alexis tensed. Grace was wearing sunglasses indoors. She tipped the glasses down to the end of her nose and her eyes roamed the room and until they found their target. When they landed on Alexis, her feet propelled her forward and the glasses were back over her eyes. 

At least she could walk straight today, thought Alexis.

"Hello, Alexis."

"Hi, Grace. How are you?"

"I feel like hell."

"I bet."

Grace looked around at all the people. "You think we can find a quiet place to talk?"

"Sure." Alexis led her out of the room and into an empty conference room. "How can I help you Grace?"

Grace was rubbing her temples as though suffering from a headache. "I hate this town. I miss my home. I want to see my boyfriend in Baltimore."

"But you're on probation, and you can't leave until you're given permission."

"Exactly. My probation officer thinks I'm going to relapse if I go home."

"You're drunk now." Alexis could smell the alcohol. When alcohol was what you craved most hours of the day, it was easy to spot.

"I just had a couple to calm my nerves. It doesn't matter."

"How do you expect to get off probation if you can't get sober?"

"That's why I'm here. I need help. I need a sponsor."

"You need a caretaker. And I'm not the one. My car still smells foul."

Grace took off her glasses and looked Alexis in the eyes. Grace had these lovely, light brown eyes and sparkled with tears. "I don't have anyone here. It's impossible for me to ask people for help. Everyone lets me down. I've been beat up by every man I've ever known: my father, my brothers, my husband, my boyfriends. I haven't seen my children in ages. They've all turned out terrible. I have no one. I need to get sober. I need to stay sober. I'm just asking your help in getting there."

"Look, Grace, I've only been sober a little more than a year. I'm afraid I won't be any help to you. Or even worse, I'm afraid being around someone who is drunk all the time will cause me to relapse. I can't risk my sobriety for anyone."

Grace grabbed her by the arms. "Help me get sober, and if I sway from the program at all, ditch me. Please, Alexis. Please."

Alexis shook her head. She knew this was a bad idea.

"Please, Alexis, honey. I need you."

"Let me think on it a bit."

"Just don't take too long. I'm three feet deep into my grave already."


	5. Picadora

Picadora

____________________________

 

"So, how do we start this, doctor?" said Julian

"However you want," said Sophia. Her curiosity about the man piqued. Why the hell would the notorious criminal and terrorizer of his family want therapy?

"I don't know what to say," he said.

"Is that why you're in therapy, Julian? To learn how to speak?" The corner of Sophia's mouth lifted, a subtle indication of her jest. She could tell he wasn't amused. Good. She didn't tease him for his amusement. She did it to challenge him.

"You want to know why I'm here?"

She gave a nod for him to continue. He fidgeted in his seat. He rearranged a throw pillow to try to make himself comfortable. He rubbed his hands together. When he looked back to her again, she just stared, waiting for him to say why he was there. Sophia knew, of course, but she made him say it anyway. 

"I messed up my life. I destroyed my family. I gave up two very lucrative businesses to live above a pub. No one who matters to me loves me. No. No, that's not true. One person loves me. The one I hurt most. But I nearly destroyed her, and now she wants nothing to do with me." He was bouncing his knee as he spoke, his shoulders tight and tense.

"So why are you here?" she asked.

 

"That's not enough reason?"

"That's just stuff that happened. Tell me why you're in therapy? People come to therapy for a purpose. To change. To learn. For validation. To feel better. To commiserate. What's your reason?"

"I don't know. All the above?"

"If you could snap your fingers and jump ahead to the end of therapy, how would things look?"

Julian didn't have to think about his answer and made no hesitation in blurting out, "I'd be a good man enough for my ex-wife."

Interesting. "What does that mean? Do you think you're less valuable as a person than her? Do you think she deserves better than you? Or do you think you need to make better choices to be in her life?"

"All the above. I want to be the man she deserves."

"What's stopping you?"

"I don't know."

"I think you know."

"No, I don't know. I've done everything I can think of to change. I got out of a dangerous line of work. I've been an upstanding citizen. I've been a victim of racketeering by a local mobster without retaliating. I sold my cover business, legitimately I might add, to our daughter. I'm working in a pub serving millennials expensive fruit on a piece of bread and overpriced coffee. I threw myself in front of a bullet and off a bridge to save her life. I don't know what the hell else to do to make up for all the damage I've caused!"

"What are you trying to make up for? What have you done to this woman?"

Julian rolled his eyes, "Come on, doc. You can't tell me you've lived in this town for any length of time without hearing my name. I think you know what I did to my wife."

"I know what your paper and the news said about it. That you tried to kill your ex-wife a couple of years ago, but your sister recently came out saying she coerced you."

"Then you know everything."

"We haven't even scratched the surface."

Julian grunted and pulled on his hair. "Damn it! I don't want to have to get into all this shit again! I just want to put it behind me."

"Then why the hell are you in therapy?"

"Because I can't move on! I need her! My life is empty without her. I've lost my kids, my grandkids, everything!" Julian hung his head. "What am I kidding, even if the rest of my family forgave me and accepted me back, my life would still be empty without her."

"You're here because you want to win her back?"

He nodded.

"So you'll do whatever it takes?"

He nodded.

"Then start talking about everything you're trying to avoid."

He closed his eyes and knotted his brow. "Fine. I will. But I need to set up some context for you. There's a lot the papers don't know. I met my wife when I was twenty years old. I fell in love the moment I met her. I've been hers ever since..."  
And he went on to talk about their first night together, their decades-long separation, their reunion, and the course of their relationship.

"Wow," said Sophia, doing her best to process his story. "What a ride. You love her like crazy."

Julian nodded.

"A little obsessively, wouldn't you say?"

"I'm unapologetic about that. And she loves me the same way, I'll have you know."

"Hey, I'm not judging the depth of your attachment. I find it endearing."

"But?"

"Can I ask WHY you fell so hard for her? What is it that makes her so special to you?"

Julian smiled softly, the first time he'd done so since he walked into Sophia's office. He shook his head gently, "I don't know. I mean, I know why I love her. I could tell you a million spectacular things about her, but the truth is, I feel connected her to on a deep level. Our lives feel bound together. The first time I saw her, I needed her. I knew she was precious to me."

"Star-crossed lovers, soul mates, and all that?"

He was staring, eyes unfocused, out the window. "Yeah, and all that."

"Can I be blunt in my questions, Julian?"

He kept his unfocused eyes and turned toward the window. "No sense in beating around the bush."

"My concern about being too blunt with you is that you'll be so turned off by the questions that won't want to come back for a second session of therapy. But I'm also afraid that if I don't ask certain questions, we'll never get to the heart of your issues."

Julian turned his head to meet Sophia's eyes. His brow narrowed, his eyes glaring at her. "There is nothing you can say to me to make me feel worse than seeing my wife cowering from me, seeing her drink herself to half to death, to see tears I put in her eyes. If you need to hit me over the head with a frying pan of questions, just do it. I'm here for her. I can handle your questions."

She nodded, hoping that was true. She decided to test the waters before giving the real heavy hitters.

"How can you say you love a woman to the core of your being, yet spend the majority of your acquaintance lying to her? You lied about your identity, about your business, about her friend Luke, about your sister, about your crimes. From what you've told me, you have only been honest with her a grand total of ten minutes of your relationship, long enough to get through your wedding ceremony. You think that's love?"

Julian sealed his lips tight and blew air from his nostrils, much like a bull ready to strike. He crossed his arms in front of him and sat back on the couch.

"You doubt my love for Alexis?"

"That wasn't my question."

He thinks he's ready for the meat of therapy, thought Sophia, but he can hardly handle a softball question. "Well?" she prompted.

"Shit, I didn't think I would be coming to therapy to have the same conversations I have to have with all the critics in my life."

"Did you think I wouldn't challenge your contradictory words and behaviors? I don't think I'd be a very good therapist if that was the case. You said you wanted to try. I'm just asking for information to understand where you're coming from."

He thought for a minute before grudgingly accepting her rationale. "At first my lies were very selfish. Concealing my identity was all about conquering this town's underworld. A way of one-upping my father."

Daddy issues, she thought.

"But when I realized the depth of my love for Alexis, everything changed. After that, I only ever lied to her because I thought I was protecting her. The people I was dealing with were lethal. They would have killed her. I couldn't let Luke or Olivia harm her."

"Would you make the same decisions over again? Would you lie to protect her again?"

He nodded. "I would, to keep her alive."

Sophia leaned forward and said decisively, "Then you're not the man says she needs."

Julian threw his hands up in the air. "You think I should just let her die?"

"That's not what I said."

"You have no idea what it's like to have someone threatening the people you care about. My son was shot in front me! I was carted off to jail wondering if he was going to live or die! My daughter was pushed off a bridge in the middle of nowhere, and had to give birth to my granddaughter in the snow! My baby boy was brought to the hospital because Olivia made us think she overdosed him on pills!"

Sophia's watched the man's pain radiate off him in anxious agitation. "You made the best decisions you thought you could at the time."

"The ONLY decisions I could make at the time!"

"No, Julian. That's not true."

"What do you mean?"

"Your wife, daughter, two sons, and your granddaughter have all nearly been killed, despite your lies to protect them. It sounds to me like your lies played very little role in your children's safety."

Julian was shaking his head. "You don't get it."

"Oh, I get it. I completely understand the choices you made. Why you did what you did. But your goals of therapy are to be good enough for Alexis. You really think being a liar is going to get you there?"

Julian stood abruptly, "You're calling me a liar?"

"Didn't you tell me you've lied to Alexis more than you've told her the truth? What do you think that makes you?"

Julian stood, pointing at Sophia, "This is bullshit. You're not even trying to hear where I'm coming from!"

"You're not ready for therapy, Julian. Not only do you lie to Alexis, but you're lying to yourself. Come back when you actually mean what you say."

Julian walked out the door mumbling, "What a waste of time." He slammed the door behind him.

Sophia took a deep breath. She stood and moved to the window in her office. She stared at the trees blowing in the breeze "What the hell was I thinking?" She went back to her desk and called a number on her speed dial. 

"Hey, Kevin? Are you free for supervisory consultation? I just messed up in a session, and I need to figure out what to do about it. Great, thanks. See you then."


	6. Case Consultation

Case Consultation

______________________________

 

Sophia hated sitting in the patient's chair in case consultation. Especially when she messed up in a session. She felt like a petulant child who screwed up in class and was sent to the principle.

"What happened?" asked Kevin.

"I called my patient a liar and told him to get out of my office and come back when he was ready to be honest."

Kevin laughed exasperated. "Why?"

Sophia laughed, too. "I don't know."

"Not good enough, Soph."

"Fine. He's a abuser making excuses for himself. I had no patience for it. I had just finished a session with a woman with a black eye from her husband, and this guy walks in justifying his terrible behavior. I was pissed off."

"Talk yourself through it."

"He came to me with what every patient comes in with: lofty goals, resistance, blind spots, defenses. And I tried to impose my goals on him. It's just, I heard about this guy on the news. I googled him before he came in. He did some terrible stuff. And he wants to say it was all in the name of love."

"And how do you get a patient to see truth? To see reality? Are you supposed to beat them over the head with it? Degrade them? Embarrass them? Do you think the patient will learn how to treat people well when that is how they're treated by their therapist?"

"Of course not."

"Then what should you do?"

"I need to have more empathy. I need to show him kindness."

"You need to show him grace. Abusers are rarely abusers because they were loved in their childhood. Start there with him, Soph. See why be became what he is. Find a way to love your patient as an innocent child. It will help you love him as a human being, no matter his monstrous behavior. Unconditional love and positive regard are the only cures for violence."

"You're right. I think I also need to schedule him at a different time. Instead of seeing him after an abuse victim, maybe I'll see him after my arsonist."

Kevin laughed. "Good strategy."

"That is...if he ever comes back."


	7. Crossing Paths

Crossing Paths

____________________________

 

She sat in the park sipping her coffee. To a stranger, she would seem serene and content. But to one who knew her well, they would see a duck, feet paddling like mad underwater. Alexis and serenity were rarely friends. There was too much tragedy, too much suffering in the world for her to feel truly peaceful. Alexis was a rescuer. She was Atticus Finch. No, she was Scout. 

There would always be a idealistic, passionate innocence to the woman he loved. It's what made her the best woman he knew. And that such a woman could love him, despite his faults, gave him hope. 

The healing power of unconditional love was astonishing. He would do anything to be immersed in that kind of love again, day after day. He'd change anything for her.

As though she could feel him watching her, her eyes turned to meet his. He walked to her, drawn to her, pulled by a magnetic force. She no longer looked serene; her frantic paddling beneath the surface causing waves above the water.

"Julian," she said by way of greeting.

"Hi, Alexis."

"Out for a stroll?" 

He nodded sitting next to her on the bench. "How about you? Why are you so deep in thought?"

She sighed. "Someone asked me to be her sponsor. I'm deciding if it's a good idea or not."

For some reason that made Julian nervous. "You're certainly capable."

"I hear a �but' in that statement."

"But I worry the strain it would put on you. You have a habit of putting other people's needs above your own."

She smiled, "I hadn't thought of that."

"Really? Then what were your reservations?"

"She's not entirely sober yet. I'm afraid of my own temptations around someone who's still drinking."

Julian nodded, pleased with both her insight and her honesty. "And what would be your reasons for doing it?"

"She laid a beautiful guilt trip at my feet, and you know I have a hard time resisting that."

"I think you call it social responsibility," he said.

"It's what I've called it in the past, but I'm also recognizing it's part of how I was manipulated in my family for so long. I mean, why should I take responsibility for others when they don't take responsibility for themselves? I mean, isn't that enabling them to continue the cycle."

Julian felt punched in the gut.

"Then again," she continued, "Maybe there is a way I can guide her without enabling her. I just don't know if I'm ready or capable yet."

"You are," he said with no hesitation. "You are perfectly capable. As long as you don't own this person's failures, you'd be a perfect guide. Just don't make her crisis your own."

"Thank you for your faith."

"My faith in you has never been our problem," he said, hanging his head in shame.

"And what do you think our problem has been?"

Julian looked at her. "You deserve better than me."

She met his gaze, then shook her head. "You've missed the point, Julian."

He looked at her confused.

"I'm not with you NOT because there is something lacking or deficient in you or something wrong in your being. I've chosen not to be with you because our versions of morality and ethics are incompatible. I can't let what you did to me happen again, in any possible future manifestation. Your a lovable man, Julian. I just can't risk myself knowing what might happen again."

"I'll never hurt you again, Alexis. You have to know that."

"I'll never allow you to hurt me again. I need you to know that."

"Is there any possible way I could be the man you need?"

Alexis stood putting her purse over her shoulder. "I believe people can change. I believe you have changed so much of yourself already. But Julian, we are still fundamentally morally incompatible. I can't stake my life on the hope that you'll change your moral schemas on how the world works, on how relationships work. You'd have to change them before I could ever consider the answer you're hoping for in that question. My hope that you'll change is not enough anymore."

"So then I am unlovable the way I am."

"Just because I can't be with you doesn't mean I don't love you."

Then she walked away leaving him to his confused thoughts.


	8. Contemplation

Contemplation

_________________________

 

"Where do you want to start today, Alexis?" asked Kevin.

"Grace asked me to be her sponsor."

"Oh, how do you feel about that?"

"I'm considering it. What do you think? Am I ready?"

Kevin laughed, "You can't possibly think I'm the best person to answer that question."

"I didn't think you would. But a girl can try."

"What does being a sponsor mean to you?"

"I don't know. The only sponsor I ever had tried to kill me."

Kevin nodded, "Not a good basis for comparison. At least we know a sponsor should not entail murder. What else?"

"I see a sponsor as a sounding board. Someone who knows the steps. Has worked the steps. IS working the steps. Someone to be a frame of reference. A support system. Someone to give constructive feedback."

"That all sounds fantastic. What makes you think you're ready for it?"

"I think I meet all the criteria I just mentioned."

"What makes you think you're not ready?"

"Grace isn't sober yet. I don't know if I can be around the temptation to drink."

"Perhaps you set up conditions. She has to be sober if you're to be her sponsor. The moment she drinks, she has to find someone new."

Alexis frowned. "I thought of that."

"But you don't like the idea of leaving someone in need."

Alexis nodded.

"You can't fix her Alexis. Just like I can't fix you."

"I know. She has to fix herself. And I have to fix me."

"Indeed."

Alexis leaned forward and asked, "Kevin, how do you do it? How do you see patients day after day, hour after hour, and not get swept away in anxiety and despair with their self-destruction?"

"Who says I don't?"

"You don't look like you do."

"I've spent a lot of years learning that I can't fix people. I have knowledge and skills that might help people fix themselves. And I've learned that being a good listener is often more helpful than giving advice. Nobody ever listens to it anyway, no matter how much they pay for it."

Alexis smiled, "I'm glad I'm not the only one of your patients who is willfully stubborn."

"We all are, Alexis. I'm no exception."

"Julian says he's worried about me taking responsibility for her failures."

"You spoke with Julian?"

She nodded, "Briefly."

Kevin smiled and shook his head.

"What? Should I have avoided him?"

"I didn't say that."

"You shook your head."

"Relax, Alexis. I was just thinking how natural it is for you to talk to him about the issues bothering you most. You met with him briefly for the first time in weeks, and the two of you are talking about the issues you struggle with here in therapy. It says something about the nature of your relationship."

"That I don't have boundaries with him?"

Kevin rolled his eyes, "No. Why do you assume I'm criticizing?"

"I'm a Cassadine."

"Right," he smiled. "I was going to say there is a depth to your relationship that transcends the time apart."

Alexis nodded. "From the moment I met him that was the case. That's why his lies hurt so much. That's why his actions hurt so much."

"You've had so much pain in your life."

"Haven't we all?"

"We're talking about your pain."

Alexis noticed a tear dropping down her face. "Julian asked if there was ever a way we could have a chance."

"What did you tell him?"

"That our morals are fundamentally incompatible. He took that as him being unlovable."

"But you love him."

"That's what I told him. Love isn't the problem. It's that I can't be with a man who can justify violence. And he continues to do so. I can't change him."

Kevin sat back in his chair, stretching out. "Well, Alexis. I'm going to contradict myself."

"Oh?"

"I'm going to do something I said I wasn't going to do."

"What's that?"

"I'm going to tell you you're ready to be a sponsor."

"Where did you come up with that?"

"Julian is your greatest vulnerability, and you were able to stand your ground, say your peace, and leave it to him to fix himself. I have no doubt you can do that with Grace. Now it's up to you to decide if you want to."


	9. Reset

Reset

_______________________

 

Sophia opened the door to her office. "Julian, it's good to see you again."

He nodded, "Thanks for getting me in so quickly." 

Sophia motioned for Julian to sit on the chair in front of her. "I'm glad you came. I wanted to apologize. I think I pushed too hard last session. I don't think I fully understood your point of view before making a judgment. It had less to do with you than it did with me."

He looked confused. "No. No, you didn't do anything wrong. You were entirely right. I've been lying to myself."

Now Sophia looked confused.

"Why do you look so surprised?" he asked.

"I rarely hear men admit they're wrong so quickly."

He laughed, "You must not be married."

She laughed, "No."

"Happy wife, happy life. Men get good at telling their wives they were right. And it's usually the truth. At least in my marriage it was. Even now that my marriage is over, she's still setting me straight."

"Well, you can't be set straight if you don't want to listen. Own your role in this positive attribute of openness."

Julian nodded in acknowledgement.

"So, I'm guessing you spoke with Alexis. What did she say so eloquently where I failed so miserably?"

"She said we were fundamentally incompatible. As you suggested, she said I can't be the man for her as long as I hold the schemas of how the world and relationships should be that I do."

"What does that mean to you?"

"That she and I don't agree on right and wrong. So she can't trust me to do what's right for her."

"How does that make you feel?"

"Empty. Anxious. Hopeless."

Sophia sighed. "What do you want out of therapy, Julian?"

"I want to align my schemas with hers."

Sophia shook her head. "That sounds like a terrible idea."

"How so?"

"You can't live your life for someone else. It doesn't work. You will fail." Sophia covered her mouth, shocked she let her thoughts escape her in such a way again.

This time, Julian didn't snap back. "Then what should my goal be?"

Sophia shook her head, "I can't decide that for you. That's the point Julian. You need to figure this out for yourself. Alexis can't do it for you. I can't do it for you."

"How do I do it, though?" he asked, looking helpless.

"There's no road map."

"Then what do we do in here?"

"We talk. We emote."

"You're going to emote with me?" he chuckled.

"I think you might've noticed I have almost no control over expressing my emotions." 

"Well, at least I'll know where you stand. The mystery of therapy doesn't sit well with me."

"You like control?"

"I like power. I have none in here."

"That's where you're wrong. You have all the power here. Tell me about power. What does it mean to you?"

Julian settled back into his seat. "When I think of power, I think of my father."

"The notorious Victor Jerome?"

Julian nodded. "My earliest memories are of my father are of him slapping my mother to the floor because his dinner was cold."

Julian paused as though waiting for a reaction. Sophia stayed silent. She knew he had more to say.

"I remember fear. I remember inaction. I didn't do anything. I watched my brother try to intervene once. He ended up on the floor, too, with a boot to his ribs for efforts."

"You grew up believing that was the nature of things."

Julian nodded. "My nanny was the only one who had power over me and never abused it."

"And your mother?"

"She had her own problems. She abandoned us when we were young. I remember being knocked around by her a few times, too, but it didn't hurt like my father made it hurt."

"I hear a lot of feelings Julian. Fear, sadness, insecurity, regret for not protecting your mom, guilt."

"Anger. Don't forget anger. Hate. I hate them."

"You hate them because you love them. It's easier to rage than to despair."

Julian nodded, "That's true. I hate my family, but I could never hate Alexis."

"That's why losing her made you despair."

"Losing her is so much harder than a thousand childhoods with Victor Jerome."

Julian teared up. Sophia felt her eyes moisten, too. Damn it, Kevin, she thought. She hated when he was so obviously right.

"Why did you hurt her Julian? She was yours. She was your wife. You had everything you could've wanted."

"Olivia was going to kill her. I thought I had to do it to save her. I truly did not believe there was another possibility until Alexis and you told me otherwise. I still can't see how I could have done anything else."

"Julian..." Sophia shook her head.

"I know! I know there is another way! That's why I'm here! To learn! I don't want to be like my dad!"

He put his head in his hands. "Help me," he said. "I need help."


	10. A Shift in Perspective

A Shift in Perspective

_____________________________

 

Closing the pub had become therapeutic for Julian. Wiping the counters, mopping the floors, recording the books; it gave him a certain degree of calm. It helped him avoid the truth that he was alone in life. He had no one to come home to. And it was all his fault.

So he scrubbed the tabletops and scraped gum off the undersides to keep himself occupied. He was surprised when a knock on the door interrupted his nightly ritual.

"Who the hell would come here this late?" he asked no one in particular. He walked to the front door, peeking out the window on the way over. When he saw who it was, he skipped a step to get there faster.

"Kiki?" he said opening the door.

She was turned away, hunching down. 

"Kiki? Are you ok?"

A sob escaped her as she turned to face her uncle. When she looked up, Julian gasped. Her left eye was purple and swelling. The whites of her eyes were dark red. Her lip was cut and bleeding, the shape of the marks made it look like a bite mark.

"Oh my God, Kiki! Come in, come here," Julian pulled her into his pub, shutting the door behind them and locking it. He pulled his niece in, wrapping his arms around her. She was trembling and shaking. Her body was convulsing as she cried in his arms. "It's ok, sweetheart. It's ok. You're safe. It's ok. I'm not going to let anything else happen to you."

Still she cried. Julian didn't know for how long, but it felt like an eternity. Time never moved so slow than when someone you loved was in pain. 

"I'll call the police," he said.

She grabbed his arms, "No!" 

"But Kiki..."

"Please. Don't."

"Ok, but you've got to talk to me. Come upstairs." He lead her up to his office he'd been living out of since he bought the pub. They sat on the couch and still she cried.

Since meeting Alexis and becoming a father, Julian felt like he'd become a sensitive man. But he was still a man, and he was impatient for answers. Impatient for a way to fix this for Kiki. To find out who did it and make sure it would never happen again.

He waited for her body to relax in his arms before asking, "Who did this to you, sweetheart?"

She shook her head, "I don't want to say."

"Why not?"

She shook her head.

"You're safe now. You've got family with you. Your mom and I..."

She jumped and interrupted, "No! You can't tell my mom! That's why I came to you. I didn't have anywhere else to go. I need you to stay quiet about all this."

"She's going to find out when you go to the police."

"I'm not going to the police. I can't."

"Kiki, I can't let who did this to you get away with it."

"What are you going to do, Uncle Julian? Kill him?"

The thought had crossed his mind. "Kiki, I just want to make sure you're safe. Why are you protecting whoever did this?"

"It's not him I'm protecting. I just can't say anything. There are a lot of reasons no one can know about this. I came to you because you're the only one I could think of that might help me and who could keep this quiet."

Julian struggled with accepting her request. "I need a drink. You want something?"

She nodded. "Something strong. I just want to be able to sleep tonight."

Julian knew just the whiskey she needed. As he went downstairs to grab the bottle and a couple of glasses, he tried to think of how to make this ok. How could he not tell Ava? She would be furious with him. Betrayed.

Unless he got Kiki help. Better help than he could give her. He called a number programmed into his phone.

"This is Dr. Avila," said a sleepy voice on the other end of the line.

"Hey, doc. It's Julian Jerome."

"What's going on Julian? Are you having an emergency?"

"That is why I called the emergency line."

"What's going on?"

"It's my niece..."

Julian talked to the doctor for a minute and formulated a plan. He went back up to his room.

"Thank you," said Kiki, as he poured the drinks and handed one to her. She took a big drink and nearly coughed it up. It was the strongest whiskey he had in stock, a 101. 

"I'll agree to keep your secret, Kiki."

"Thank you, Julian."

"Under some conditions."

She tensed up, "I should have known your trust would be conditional."

"You need help, Kiki. You need counseling."

"That's your condition?"

Julian nodded. "I talked to my therapist, and she gave me some resources."

"Wait. You have a therapist? And when the hell did you talk to her?"

"I just called her. She told me about a place for abused women where you can get some counseling and some medical care. I'd like to take you tomorrow."

She shook her head. "No! No. I need to heal first. No one can see my like this, Uncle Julian. If my mother found out. Or worse. If work..."

Julian stepped to his niece and put an arm around her. "That bruise and that bite mark aren't going away anytime soon. A week or two for the eye. The lip longer."

She sighed, tears rolling down her cheeks. "But work. School."

"Don't worry about that. My therapist said we can talk to a doctor to get you off work while you heal and get you an extension for your classes."

"But I can't go to the hospital. Where am I going to get that note?"

"My doctor told me of a place. You need to get checked out." And he didn't want to say it, but he wanted her injuries professionally documented.

"I really should take you to the ER tonight. If there's DNA..."

"He protected himself."

"Nothing is completely foolproof."

"I refuse."

"But you need help."

Kiki's face looked strained. "If I get treatment at that place your therapist was talking about, you won't tell my mom?"

"I promise."

"Thank you. Look, I know I've been pretty awful to you these last couple of years, and you don't owe me anything..."

"Don't worry about it. We're family."

"Can I ask one more favor?"

"Of course."

"I don't have a place to stay. I can't risk my roommates seeing me."

Julian nodded. "You can stay here. I'd offer to get you a room at the Metro Court, but I don't think you want to be seen there either."

She nodded.

"Do you want me to stay at the hotel? Give you some space here? Privacy?"

She shook her head, "No. No. Honestly, I don't want to be alone."

"Ok. Don't worry. We'll both stay here."`

"Thank you, Uncle Julian."

Julian kissed her on the forehead. Ideas raced through his head trying to figure out who the person was who hurt his niece, and what he was going to do to that person once he found him.


	11. Amends

Amends

___________________________

 

"Thank you, honey," said Grace, taking a bite of her avocado toast. "But I don't think I'll be able to keep much food down."

"Well, you've been on a liquid diet for a few decades. You probably need time for your stomach to adjust," said Alexis.

"You're telling me. But at least what I'm feeling right now isn't anything like the discomfort I felt last night."

Alexis grabbed Grace's hand. "You did amazing, Grace. Far better than I did when I was going through the DTs."

"Really? I was cursing at you to get me a drink. I called you all the worst names I could think of. How could you have been worse?"

Alexis smiled and looked around Charlie's Pub for it's owner, who was nowhere to be found. "Well, I was hallucinating pretty good. I gave my ex-husband hell."

"Is that why he's your ex-husband? Did you scare him away with all your crazy?"

Alexis shook her head. "No. He was already my ex-husband when he helped me sober up."

"You still get along?"

"Something like that."

"When I finally got the courage to leave my ex-husband, I was gone and never saw him again. Granted, he would've killed me if he saw me again, so I think our situations were a little different."

"I think so," Alexis smiled.

"Well, I am exhausted. I don't think I can have another bite. I'm going to go home and rest. Thank you for helping through last night."

"Of course. Do you want me to walk you home?"

"No, sweetheart. I'm just up the block. I'll be fine."

"Are you sure?"

"Alexis. I promise. Alcohol is the last thing on my mind right now. After what we just went through, I don't think I'll ever drink again."

"No more skip days?"

"No more skips days. I'm getting too old to keep doing this. Bye, sweetheart."

Grace bent down and gave Alexis a kiss on the cheek before leaving. Alexis sat alone thinking about the night she sobered up. A night that may not have happened if it wasn't for Julian.

She finished her bacon and eggs. Then she eyed the toast on Grace's hardly touched plate. She took a bite of the green fruit on a piece of bread.

"Ugh." No wonder Grace didn't want it.

She felt a hand on her shoulder. "You don't like my avocado toast? The kids think it's all the rage." Julian was standing over Alexis smiling at her reaction to the food. 

"I'll stick to bacon."

"I figured. I already asked the waitress to bring you more."

"Julian, you shouldn't do that."

He shrugged, smiling. "I'm not sorry."

"Thank you."

"Who were you here with? It looks like they didn't like the toast either."

"I don't think she would have eaten anything you set in front of her, to be fair. Not in her condition. The woman I'm sponsoring was here with me. She just went home."

"I see. You decided to go through with being a sponsor, huh?"

She nodded.

"Good for you. And good for her." It looked like Julian was struggling with wanting to say something, but decided better. "Well, enjoy your breakfast, and enjoy the rest of your meal."

Julian took a step toward the bar. "Julian, wait." He stopped quickly and turned around. "Do you have time to sit for a minute? There's something I'd like to say to you."

Julian raised his eyebrows in surprise. "Of course." He sat in Grace's vacated chair. "What's up?"

"Last night, the woman I'm sponsoring was at my place to sober up. She went through some pretty bad DTs."

Julian flinched.

"I know," said Alexis, reading his mind. "It brought back a lot of memories."

"You ok?"

"Of course. That's not why I'm bringing it up. I just wanted to say thank you and to apologize."

Julian laughed. "What are you talking about, Alexis? You don't have to do either one of those things."

"But I do. It's part of my program. My steps. Making amends. So, thank you for helping me see I had a problem. Thank you for not enabling me. Thank you for getting me through the DTs. Thank you for helping me realize I needed help. You don't know how much that means to me."

Julian shook his head in shame. "Alexis, I was the reason you were drinking in the first place."

"No, Julian. I was the reason I was drinking. Allow me to own my behavior and bestow appropriate gratitude."

Julian reluctantly nodded. "Ok then. You're welcome."

"And I have to apologize for the way I fought you every step of the way when you were trying to help me. I'm sorry for the way I treated you during the DTs. All I can say was I made poor choices, and it won't happen again. At least not today."

"One day at a time."

"Exactly."

"You're welcome, Alexis. It was my pleasure, aside from you having to suffer through it. It was genuinely my pleasure."

Julian was staring at her with a gaze of longing, and as much as she liked the idea of him still caring for her, she knew she couldn't be around it for very long without giving in to him. She squirmed in her seat.

Julian stood, his sad smile expressed he clearly sensed her discomfort.

"I'll see you later, Alexis. Breakfast is on the house."

"Ju-"

"No arguments." He walked off to the bar. 

A plate of bacon appeared in front of her without her even noticing the waitress. She grabbed a piece and took a bite trying to ease the ache in her heart.


	12. Battle Scars

Battle Scars

___________________________

 

Alexis heard a knock at the door. She wasn't surprised to see Grace there. Grace showing up unannounced at her door was becoming far too frequent an occurrence.

When she opened the door, she said, "Hi, Grace. What are you doing here?"

Grace walked by her to sit on her favorite chair. "I needed you, honey. No, that's not true. What I need is a drink. But I'll take you since I can't have a drink. You know, I've been sober a while now..."

"Only a week."

"Exactly. When does this get easier? I should've had at least three or four skip days by now..."

"That's half the week, Grace."

"Think of it as a BOGO, Binge One Grin-and-bear One."

Alexis sat on the sofa. "You should call before you come over, Grace. What if I wasn't home? What if I was working?"

"Well, isn't that part of the whole sponsor thing? Shouldn't you be here when I need you? Anyway, I need you to help these cravings go away."

"You're going to crave alcohol. You can't just make that go away. You have to learn to deal with it."

"I know I can't make them go away. YOU are supposed to do that."

"Grace..."

"Oh, I know. Don't get your panties in a twist. I just needed a distraction."

Alexis sat back with her arms crossed in front of her. 

"What?" said Grace. "You look disappointed in me. Don't do that. Don't look disappointed."

"Grace, I am not your entertainment, your distraction, nor am I your wet nurse. You can't depend on me for everything."

"Ok, you're my sponsor. Sponse me."

"Sponse you?"

"You know. Help me."

"Fine. Why did you want to drink?"

"Because I was thirsty."

"Grace!"

"Fine. I was feeling cruddy." 

Alexis made a gesture for her to go on.

"I was thinking about my children."

"You said they don't speak to you?"

"No. Honestly, it's not their fault. It's mine. I started drinking when their father was beating on me. You know. I can't even blame him. My father used to beat on me. Then I married a guy just like him. And from what I hear, my kids all turned out just like their father."

"Do you have any grandchildren?"

Grace shook her head, "I don't know. When I left my husband, I left my kids, too. Forever."

"You haven't googled them? You haven't tried to find out about them?"

"I was close to my little girl. I read something in the paper about her getting locked up. That's how I ended up here. I wanted to see her. Tell her I'm sorry. But fate intervened."

"Johnny Walker intervened."

Grace shrugged.

"You can't blame the consequences of your drunken behavior on fate."

"I think I just did."

"Fine, blame fate if you want to continue to be a drunk."

"Fine. I drank. I got the DUI. I am the reason I couldn't visit my daughter. Hell, I am the reason I haven't seen them in decades. But, to be fair to myself, their father was going to kill me one day. I knew if I ran from him, I'd have to stay away 

forever. I knew if I took the kids, he'd hunt me down. My husband was a scary man. Do you have any clue what it's like to cower in front of the man you love?"

Alexis sighed. "I do."

"It's the worst feeling in the world. It's embarrassing, really. I mean, how could I love that bastard when all he wanted me for was to gestate for him, or take his blows?"

"I can see why you wanted to drink. That was the reason I started drinking, too. I didn't want to feel the pain of what my husband did to me. I didn't want to face losing him. And I was so ashamed of how much I still loved him."

"Let me tell you, sweetheart. It's been about five decades since I left, and it feels like yesterday. It hasn't gotten any easier. Thank goodness the bastard is dead now."

"Do you think numbing yourself with booze is the reason it hasn't gotten easier? You're never going to allow yourself to deal with the crappy feelings and move on."

Grace shrugged, "Probably. Where's your ex now?"

"He's around. I run into him from time to time."

"Is it difficult? Are you afraid of him?"

"It is difficult, but I'm not afraid of him. I'm afraid of me. I'm afraid I'll go back to him."

"You still love him?" Grace asked wiggling her eyebrows.

"Yes."

"Why? Now, I'm not judging. I have the same problem. But I'm curious why you still love a man who hurt you."

"I grew up in a very dysfunctional family."

"Ditto."

"My father was absent. My step-mother was abusive. My mother was murdered right in front of me. The only person who loved me after my mother died was a step-brother. And Stefan was a dark man. Dysfunction is familiar."

"I can relate to that. But do you ever ask yourself, �why him?' Why did it have to be my husband? There are a million men in the world that could beat the crap out of me, why did I fall for that man in particular? I don't think I'll ever understand it."

Alexis thought about what made her love Julian more than any of the other criminals and violent men in her life. "My ex-husband pretended to be someone he wasn't. When I found out the truth of who he was, he pretended to change. He never did. Now he says he's changed, but I'm afraid I'd just be falling for the same old line."

"Yeah, the cycle of violence. My hubby would beat me, then say he was sorry, then we'd go through our honeymoon phase, then the tension would build and he'd do it again. It became so frequent, that the honeymoon phases shortened and shortened until they were all but gone. That how it was for you?"

Alexis shook her head. "No. It wasn't physical abuse. Except one time. It was lies and manipulation. According to him, there was always a reason for it. There was always some greater purpose for the lies. I'd fall for it every time. Then I would try to leave, but he'd beg for me back, saying he'd change. Then he would change for a while, until I caught his lies again. The last time it happened, I was working with the police to set him up. He attacked me for it."

Grace heaved a great sigh. "Selfish bastard. Putting you in that position, then getting angry at you for doing what's right. Sounds like a man to me."

"What makes it more complicated, though, is he claims it was a set up. A ruse. That he was coerced into hurting me by one of his enemies. That he wasn't really going to do damage, but he had to make it believable."

"Oh?"

Alexis nodded. "And I believe him."

"So when he attacked you, he wasn't really intending to damage you?"

Alexis nodded. "But that doesn't erase the damage it did. Nor does it erase the lies he told over and over."

"Do you think he's really changed this time?"

"I think he's changed. But not enough to risk my heart with him again. I can't fall any harder than I did before. I won't survive it. And there is no half-hearted with that man. He loves with everything he has, and I can't help but to do the same when I'm with him."

Grace nodded. "Yeah, he'd probably hurt you again, for sure. Liars are made to break hearts. They manipulate and control and coerce. They put you down and blame you for making them do it. It's just what they do."

"But Julian didn't try to control me. And he certainly never blamed me for his behavior. He owns what he did."

"Julian, huh? I like that name..." Grace seemed to lose herself in her thoughts.

"What are you thinking, Grace?"

"Oh, just that you're a much stronger person than me. I went back to my husband time after time. Broken ribs, dislocated shoulders. You were able to stay away from your Julian for far less. It took a life-threatening beating for me to decide to go. I envy your strength."

"I've never felt strong when it came to Julian. I mean, he made me feel good about myself in a lot of ways, but he's my greatest vulnerability. I'm afraid he always will be." 

"And you don't like being vulnerable."

"Nope. I like being in control. I crave control."

"You don't say?" Grace rolled her eyes.

Alexis chuckled. "You have to understand, I had no control, no safety growing up."

"So you've equated control with safety?"

"Yes." 

"It's an illusion, you know."

"What? Control?"

"And safety. They're both illusions."

The thought made Alexis want a drink.

"What would it take for Julian to win you back?"

"I don't know that he can. There is so much damage."

"You don't believe in redemption? In forgiveness?"

"Well, I should hope so, because I haven't lived a squeaky clean life myself."

"How does someone earn redemption?"

"By doing what's right because it's the right thing to do. Not because they want redemption. They need to feel the guilt and the pain of their actions. They need to find a way to make sure they don't do the same thing again. They need to find a way to make things better. Then maybe...just maybe."


	13. Avoidance

Avoidance

________________________

 

"How is your niece, Julian?" asked Sophia.

He shook his head. "I don't know. She's in some kind of serious trouble, but she won't tell me about it."

"Did you take her to the clinic I told you about?"

He nodded. "Yeah, she's had a few appointments. She's in a support group. She's seeing a therapist."

"What do you think about it all?"

"I hope it will be helpful for her. But I don't know anything about this kind of stuff."

"The Lighthouse is the best center for treatment for domestic violence, victims of abuse, and victims of sexual assault in the area. She's in good hands."

"I would have liked her see someone here at GH, but she doesn't want to be seen getting treatment by people she works with. Do you know the therapists who work at the Lighthouse? You have confidence in their ability to help her?"

"I do some pro bono work at the Lighthouse. Most of clinicians providing treatment are volunteers. They only have a few full-time therapists. The clinic has so few resources, and there are so many patients in need, they can't keep up with the demand without us."

"Why would you recommend she go there? I could pay for her to see someone privately in an office in town."  
Sophia shook her head. "I'm a big believer in group therapy, and she's going to have access to other women in similar situations. It can help her see the situation more objectively when others are going through it, too. Also, the treatment is highly specialized."

"I noticed there's a women's shelter right next to the clinic. Is it the same organization running it?"

"Yes, it makes it much easier to get the clientele to their appointments when the shelter also provides treatment." 

"Well, I think Kiki liked her therapist. Whether or not she's being honest about what happened to her, I don't know."

"Give it time. Being assaulted can be traumatizing. Don't rush it. She'll go at the pace she's ready for."

"If I ever get my hands on the guy that did this to her."

Sophia stayed quiet a moment, hoping Julian would make some connections about the parallels in his relationship with Alexis to what happened with his niece. But apparently, he still wasn't ready. Instead he moved on. 

"So, I had a dream last night that's been bothering me. I've had it the last couple of nights. The same dream," he said.

"Oh?"

"I'm running through the hospital. It's empty and I'm looking for something. I'm looking and looking and I can't find it. Then the dream changes and I'm in my childhood home. I keep looking for the thing, when I open the door to my parents' room and I find Kiki there. But someone is in there with her. He doesn't have a face. I don't know who he is, but he's got her cornered and he's hitting her and kicking her. I run over and I try to hit him, but my arms aren't working. They're slow and heavy. Nothing I do seems to make a difference. Then the man turns and I recognize his face."

Julian stopped talking and looked out the window.

"Who was it?"

"I don't know."

"You recognized him though?"

"In the dream I did, but when I woke, I wasn't sure."

"Guesses?"

"I...I couldn't tell if it was me or my father."

"Wow. Powerful dream."

"What does it mean?"

Sophia smiled gently. It was so like Julian to just want the answers laid at his feet. "What do you think it means?"

"I don't know. That's why I'm coming here."

"Start with the empty hospital. What does that mean to you?"

"Loneliness. That something's not right. Dysfunction. Emptiness."

"And you're searching for something and not finding it?"

"So I'm lonely, dysfunctional, and empty? And I'm missing something in my life? That's obvious."

"You learn quickly. Now your parents' house. What does that mean to you?"

"It was the house we lived in when my mother was still around. I was so young, I don't remember much of her, except that she and my father fought all the time. He laid into her a few times."

"Laid into her? Beat her up?"

Julian nodded. "My dad wasn't what I would call a nice guy."

"So, in the dream, you're trying to stop either him or you from hitting Kiki, but you can't?"

"I'm watching this young girl suffer and I'm feeling useless, helpless. Like nothing I'm trying to do is working."

"So you're lonely, dysfunctional, empty, and helpless. At least that was what your subconscious was feeling. Tell me about this fusion of you and your dad beating on Kiki."

"You think I've become my dad?"

Sophia shook her head. "Don't put those thoughts on me. I'm not the one who had the dream."

Julian put his head in his hands. She saw him take a few deep breaths. When he looked up, his eyes were misty. "I think I'm done for today, doc. I'll see you next week."

He walked out without another look at Sophia. She did see him wiping some more tears from his eyes.


	14. Alternatives Exclude

Alternatives Exclude

_________________________________

 

"We've talked a lot about your dad, Alexis, but you rarely speak of your mom," said Kevin.

"Avoidance?" asked Alexis.

"You tell me."

"Aside from Julian, I have three great losses in my life."

"Your mother, Stefan, and Kristina?"

"Yes. My mother was the first. A pain so awful, a murder so traumatizing, that I blocked it out. I had to erase it from existence."

"Except it did happen. And the symptoms of trauma were still there, too."

"Why couldn't I just accept what happened, Kevin? Why did I block it out?"

Kevin's look of compassion showed how much he hated her suffering. She took comfort in that. "Alexis, your stepmother became your primary caregiver after she killed your mother. As children, we have to trust the adults around us to keep us safe and nurtured. I think you blocked it out in order to allow yourself to be a part of a family so you could survive."

"I think a part of me remembered. Even at a young age. I would hear her footsteps down the hall, and I would tremble in fear. My father paid no mind to me, but Helena did. She was sadistic. I did everything I could to avoid notice. I was the best behaved child you could have ever imagined...Well, until I went away to boarding school."

"When you think of your mom, what do you feel?"

"Warmth. Comfort. Tragic loss and sadness. Guilt. Helplessness."

"Why guilt?"

"I didn't do anything to save her. As if I could. It doesn't stop the guilt though."

"If you could speak to yourself at that time, what would you say. What would you tell the little girl who lost her mother?"

Alexis exhaled in a pained breath. "Um, wow. I've never thought of myself like that before. My memories just transport me back to that time as me. It's hard to see myself as an actual little girl. I can see Molly and Kristina so clearly at that age. I can imagine them. But coming up with a vision of me is difficult."

"Just do your best."

Alexis closed her eyes. "I picture myself as a little version of Molly. Quieter. Less secure. But sweet. I'd say, �Hi little one, I'm sorry you lost your mommy. I know how much you loved her, and how much she loved you. Sometimes we lose people and there is nothing we can do about it. It's not our fault. It's not your fault your mommy is gone. Let go of that guilt. Let go of that fear, of that pain. Things are going to be hard and scary for a while without her. But you'll learn how strong you are. You're going to be fine. Make good friends with Stefan. He'll take care of you when things get hard. And when you grow up, you're going to have the most amazing family. You're going to get to be a mommy just the way your mommy was to you. Love yourself, little one. You deserve it.'"

Tears rolled down her cheeks, surprising Alexis how powerful the exercise was. 

"I think little Alexis would have been comforted by that talk," said Kevin. "Was she?"

Alexis nodded. "It's hard to think of myself as a little girl. But it's easier to love that little girl now than it was when I was her."

"You are her, Alexis. And just as you spoke to her, with such kindness and compassion, is how you should continue to speak to yourself. In your own words, �love yourself, little one. You deserve it.'"

The sob that escaped her lips stunned her. She nodded. 

"Now tell me, Alexis. What would you want for her future? What would you wish for that little girl?"

"Oh, I have no idea."

"What are your regrets? What would you change in your life?"

Alexis shook her head, "I'd tell her to learn to drive better than I did, that's for sure. Not be so careless with others." She thought about the Cassadine parapet. "I'd tell her...I don't know what I would tell her. Honestly, Kevin, I want to save her from pain, but I know that's not possible. I guess I'd want her to learn how deal with pain."

"I noticed you didn't tell her to stay away from dangerous men."

Alexis shook her head. "Then she'll never have her girls."

"And what about everything that happened with Julian? You wouldn't warn little Alexis away from him?"

"What happened with Julian was tragic. But, Kevin, the love I felt..." She didn't know how to say it. "Is it crazy to say it was worth it? I've never felt more alive than with Julian."

"Is that why you're still holding onto your love for him? You're wondering if trying again with him is worth the risk?"

"Letting him go would be choosing a very different life. Although I'm not ready to consider a life with him in it, I'm also not ready to exclude the option either."

"And alternatives exclude."

She bit her lip wondering if it would be worse for the little girl to have never loved and save the hurt, or to have lived, and loved, and suffered.


	15. Awareness

Awareness

__________________________

 

Julian insisted on taking Kiki to her appointments. He was afraid she wouldn't follow through with counseling if he didn't. She was still so skittish talking about it, he doubted she was being open and honest in her therapy session, but since he couldn't be in session with her, the best thing he could do was make sure she attended regularly.

He sat in the waiting room as Kiki went back with her therapist. Sophia was right, the clinic was in desperate need of some upgrades. The industrial carpet was worn down, the ceiling and wall had water stains from leaks, the furniture was mismatched and uncomfortable.

Julian was even afraid the large TV in the waiting room playing Disney movies to occupy the waiting children was a hazard. It was large, not because of screen size, but because it was ancient. Julian didn't think anyone had those old TV's anymore. It was precariously perched on a shelf he didn't have much confidence in. 

All this place needed was about five to ten grand and it would have one hell of a waiting room. Unfortunately, it wasn't just the waiting room that needed help. It was the roof, all the offices, the computers...hell, even the parking lot needed repaving. 

A couple women in suits walked through the front doors. They were speaking quietly to each other in exasperated voices.

"No, Carol, we don't have enough in the budget to replace all the mattresses in that unit. We barely have enough on credit for the exterminator."

"You can't really expect the children to sleep on the floor, or on a mattress that had bed bugs."

"It's not the first time we've had to break out the sleeping bags. There is no more space, there are no more rooms, there are no more beds."

Julian stood and walked over to the talking women. "I'm sorry, did I overhear you are having a bedbug problem?" he asked.

"I'm sorry, but who are you?" asked the woman named Carol.

"My name is Julian. I'm a family member of one of the young women getting treatment here. I didn't mean to listen in, but I overheard. You were saying about the bedbugs?"

Carol sighed, "It happens. A lot of the women and kids who come to stay at the shelter are coming in from very poverty stricken areas. Some were even homeless. What little possessions they do have sometimes have stowaways."

"Carol, we have to get to that meeting," said her companions. "We'll see you later." They left Carol to continue her conversation with Julian.

"What happens if you don't have any money for an exterminator? Or if you run out of space for the women and kids?"

"We can usually make something work, but there have been times when we have to turn people away. We refer them to shelters in other towns."

"Don't they have the same problems as you?"

"They do."

"What happens when there is nowhere for them to go?"

"Well, if there are children, we can't let them be homeless. We have to call child protective services."

"And split them up from their mothers?"

Carol nodded solemnly. "We're doing ok for now. We are managing. And our biggest fundraiser of the year is coming up, so we are hoping to be able to stock up on some much needed supplies."

"Supplies?"

"We don't just need furniture. We need food, kitchenware, cleaning supplies, toiletries, clothes, and a million other things."

Julian shook his head. It didn't occur to him that they'd need so much.

"What's your annual operating budget?" he asked.

"Since we are primarily publicly funded, it's all a matter of public record. I can get you our last fiscal report. Is there a reason you're asking?"

"I'm considering a donation."

Carol's eyes brightened. She looked at her watch, "I've got about fifteen minutes before my next meeting. Do you have time now?"

"I have about thirty minutes before my niece is done with her appointment."

"Perfect, follow me."

She lead him back through a dark hallway that was in desperate need of a paint job. She stopped at a door with a plaque on it that read "Carol Jeffries, Director". She unlocked the door and led the way in. "It's snug in here, so make yourself comfortable however you need."

Julian's jaw dropped as he saw Carol had brought him into what could best be described as a large closet with a desk and a few chairs. He had to move behind one of the chairs in the office just to shut the door. "You're the director, and this is your office?"

She smiled. "Yes, I moved myself in here when we hired our most recent therapist. She took the last office we had."

"You could have moved the therapist in here and kept your office."

"And have our battered women and children shoved in this small space for therapy? No thanks. Some of them were kept locked in rooms about this size."

Julian leaned back in his chair and let reality sink in. Carol dug through a file cabinet behind her and pulled out a report and handed it to Julian. 

"You can have that copy. It's also available online."

Julian saw the number and nearly dropped the report in shock. Charlie's costs over the last quarter were equivalent to this. "How the hell do you function on this?"

Carol smiled and said, "Donations, volunteers, pro bono work from therapists."

"You don't even have environmental services," he said.

"We require the residents to contribute to cleaning the facility. Not only does it save us some money, but it's good for them to develop and maintain basic skills."

Julian thought of the liquid cash sitting in his personal bank account. It was four times the operating costs of the facility last year. That wasn't even including the Charlie's Pub account, his investments, and the absurdly enormous chunks of cash sitting in his offshore accounts.

"You need some upgrades, Carol."

"I happen to agree with you, Julian."

"How soon can you meet with a contractor? I'll get one over here as soon as you're available."

"A contractor? What are you planning on doing? Remodeling the clinic? The shelter?"

"Both."

Her mouth hung open. "And you're paying for this?"

He nodded. "Carol, I've spent more money on a vacation then your annual budget. I spent more money on my wedding reception that never even happened."

Carol grinned, "Look, Julian, this is fantastic and all, but I need to know what you have in mind. Some remodeling and upgrades are fine, but I need to be sure we can maintain these upgrades with the budget we have."

Julian laughed thinking of the solar panels he was going to have installed, the low-flow sinks, showers, and toilets he was putting in, the triple pane windows, the artificial turf. "Carol, we'll make it sustainable."

Carol was shaking her head, "Why?"

Julian shrugged. "Because it needs to be done. And because I can."


	16. From the Source

From the Source

___________________________

 

Julian sat quiet on the couch. He showed twenty minutes late to his session, and he missed the week before.

It could only mean one thing. Resistance. 

Julian stared out the window. He hadn't glanced at Sophia since he walked in.

Tears were dropping down cheeks. But he still didn't speak.

Sophia forced herself to keep the silence. When she was volunteering at the Lighthouse this week, she saw the start of the renovations. Though it was some private organization that was donating the money to the clinic, Sophia asked Carol who was behind it. Carol told her it was Julian. Sophia wanted to ask him about it. She wanted to thank him. She wanted to know why.

But still he was silent. Which meant he wasn't ready. There was something big and heavy occupying his mind, and his only words were tears in his eyes.

Another ten minutes went by. The tears were still there.

Sophia stood and walked to Julian and sat on the couch beside him. He finally looked at her. She grabbed his hand and said, "Tell me."

He looked at their hands connected, then back up to her eyes. Then he looked out the window again before he spoke. "My sister wanted Alexis dead. She was going to kill my kids and Alexis's kids if I didn't kill Alexis. There was no way I could kill her. There was no way I could ever harm her. But Olivia's henchman showed me a picture of himself holding a gun to my baby boy's head in his sleep. 

"I had to think of something. I'm ashamed I thought about killing Alexis for a moment, just for a moment, to have Leo, Lucas, Sam, Danny, Scout, Kiki, Ava, Avery, Molly, and Kristina all safe. I was never going to do it. I was never going to hurt her. But I let myself think about it. I still hate myself for having the thought."

Sophia was going to tell him thoughts are human, and he shouldn't beat himself up for mere thoughts. But she stopped herself knowing what was coming next.

"I had to think of something to placate my sister. She was unhinged. I had to think of something.

"I knew Alexis was trying to get a confession from me about some crimes leading up to this. I planned on making her think I was upset with her for betraying me. I gave her the confession she was looking for so she'd think I was desperate. Then I..."

His breath caught before he went on, "Then I held her still and ripped the mic off her. She tried to get away, but I grabbed her. Tripped her, really. She fell on the ground and...she's so much smaller than me...she was easy to maneuver from there. Like Kiki in the dream. Like my mother and my father."

He stopped for a moment to gather himself before finishing. Sophia squeezed his hand in support. "I grabbed a dagger. The dagger that was used to kill her mother." Julian paused when Sophia inhaled a sharp breath. Then he went on. "I took her to the docks where I knew my sister would be watching. I had a boat waiting out in the water. I planned on faking my death after a struggle with Alexis and leaving town.

"But leaving her was harder than I thought. I just kept talking and saying stupid things I didn't mean to convince her and Olivia that I was going to kill her. Just before I was about to follow through with my plan, I kissed her one last time. It was awful. She didn't want it. I could feel her fear. It made me sick. I felt like a monster. The look on her face...Her pleading words...If she only knew how wrecked I was giving up my family...If only she knew how awful it was hurting her...If only I knew what it would do to her...

"Then Sonny Corinthos, he shares a daughter with Alexis, intervened. I got stabbed with the dagger and almost died.

"Over the course of the next year I was forced to do my sister's bidding, which ended in my children getting hurt. Alexis started drinking. It was terrible watching her further the destruction I started. Again my sister tried to get me to kill Alexis first, but I was able to get her free before the gun went off. I nearly died when Olivia shot me. 

"Now Olivia's locked up. Alexis is sober. Everyone is safe. And I am alone. I knew I'd end up alone after it was all over. I guess I just hoped Alexis would forgive me if she knew the truth. But there was just too much damage done for us to ever go back."

And Julian's tears turned into sobs. Sophia held his hand in both of hers as his body shook. 

It was always hard for Sophia to hold back her own emotion in situations like this. So she didn't. She let a few of her own tears fall, too. When she wiped them away, Julian looked up at her. Her emotion seemed to bring him back to the present moment.

"Thank you for sharing with me, Julian."

He nodded silently before looking away.

"How was that for you? Sharing with me?"

He huffed an ironic laugh. "A barrel of laughs."

"Julian..."

He looked at her, "It was ok. It's never enjoyable talking about it, but it's nice to have someone actually willing to listen to my side of things. Everyone always wants to tell me how I should feel or think. Or they just tell me to go to hell. I'm not saying I don't deserve it; I just forgot what it felt like to be heard."

"The whole situation was tragic. For everyone involved."

"So, Dr. Avila, tell me your thoughts after hearing what I did. Am I fixable?"

"First of all, I am grateful you told me what happened with Alexis. Sometimes reliving a story can be as difficult as living it the first time. Second, everyone is fixable. The thing is, Julian. I'm not the one who's going to fix you. You're the one who has to figure out how to do it."

Julian hung his head.

"Don't feel down. You've taken great steps to get there."

"Get where? Where is getting 'fixed' going to lead me?"

"No clue, Jules. No clue."


	17. Grace

Grace

____________________________

 

"Let me see a picture of this ex-hubby of yours," said Grace.

"Why?"

"Because if he's handsome, I'll have a better understanding of why you've got your bobby-sox in a twist."

Alexis pulled out the photo album Julian and Molly made for her. She flipped through a few pages. "Here. This is Julian."

"Did I tell you I love his name?"

"You did. I love it, too."

"A handsome young man. I can see why you're so silly over him."

"And your ex-husband? Was that part of why you stayed?"

"He was handsome in his day. But his soul was so ugly. I left all reminders of him behind. No pictures. No momentos."

"But you couldn't leave the memories."

"No. Unfortunately, not even a fifth of vodka can erase the memories."

"True."

"And what of Julian's soul? Dark and ugly, or as pretty as his face."

"There are times I would have said his soul was more beautiful than...than a Botticelli angel. And there were times I thought it black hole, sucking everything around into it's darkness."

"And now?"

"Now I just see him as him. Human and flawed. Bright like the sunlight by day, and barely glowing by night. Grace, I don't see my own soul as much different."

"I guess his soul must be prettier than mine if it's anything like yours. At least Julian's done some good things in his life. I have literally done nothing but allow my father, my husband, and the booze control my life. My soul probably looks lifeless. Just a leaf in the wind, no volition, no spark."

Alexis shook her head. "No, you've got life. You've got spark."

Grace leaned back in her chair, done with the photo album. "Do you think I'm worth a second chance? I've done as bad as Julian. I've abandoned my kids. I've driven drunk, risking everyone around me. I've slept with people's husbands. I've stolen money. I've ruined other people's sobriety. Do you think I deserve a second chance? A third chance? A last chance?"

"I don't know what it means to deserve anything," said Alexis. "I know I've been given a lot of second chances I'm not sure I deserved."

Grace seemed to light up. "Ohh Alexis. You've got to share what you've done that needed second chances."

"I'm not getting into all my wrongdoings for the sake of your entertainment and easing your conscience."

"Then tell me why they forgave you."

"I don't know. But I certainly don't feel like I earned it."

"Then why would they give it to you?"

"I guess, because I'm human. And I've forgiven many of them for their wrongdoings."

"Ahh. Reciprocity. You screw up, I forgive you. I screw up, you owe me one?"

"No, Grace. I guess forgiveness happens through the grace of love and friendship."

"Well that's depressing. I have no love, and I have no friendship. And I certainly have no grace, aside from my name."

"What do you think this is, Grace?" Alexis gestured between the two women.

"This is friendship? All this talking and stuff?"

Alexis laughed, "This is it. It's called supporting each other. Being here for each other."

Grace shrugged. "It's not bad, huh?"

Alexis nodded, "Not too bad."


	18. Illumination

Illumination

_______________________________

 

"What brings you here, Kiki?" Alexis looked at the young woman sitting in the chair in front of her desk. She wondered why Kiki asked to see her at work. Kiki was a lovely, young woman, but by the girl in front of her trembling and cowering did not look like the same girl she once called her niece. "Are you ok?"

"Look, Alexis, I don't know what to do. I don't know where to go. I can't go to my mom. I'm afraid of what Uncle Julian will do if I tell him everything. I need a lawyer to talk to. I need to understand my rights. I need to know my options. And I need your confidentiality."

"Ok, you're looking for representation?"

Kiki nodded. "Here's the thing, I don't have access to my dad's trust fund until I'm twenty-five. That's next year."

"Why don't we start with a consultation, Kiki. It's protected under lawyer-client privilege. We can worry about payment later." 

Kiki sat quietly, apparently waiting for direction.

"What's going on? Are you in some kind of trouble?"

A dam of tears seemed to break behind Kiki's eyes as the words tumbled from her lips. "I was raped by my supervisor, Dr. Bensch."

Alexis lost her breath as her mouth dropped open. "Oh my God."

"He did it at work, in his office," she sobbed. "He'd been inappropriate with me for months. He even tried to kiss me before. He's been giving me bad evaluations for months. He's been falsely writing me up for coming into work late. Then he told me he was going to have me kicked out of the program unless I gave him some incentive to keep me."

"Meaning have sex with him?"

"Yes. When I said no, he got angry. He said he didn't put that much work into me professionally and personally for me to use him and reject him. Then he forced himself on me."

"Oh Kiki. When did this happen?"

"Over a month ago. And I know you're probably wondering why I didn't go to the police. But the thing is, he knew I had a one-night-stand with someone. This someone is a good friend to me. He's in a relationship with a person I care very much about, and if I tell anyone about what Bensch did to me, Bensch threatened to tell this person's girlfriend about us and destroy their relationship, and he threatened to turn us in to the hospital board because the man I had sex with is a supervising doctor and can get fired."

"Who is it?"

Kiki covered her face with her hands "Griffin. It's Griffin Munro."

"Oh." No wonder she hadn't turned him in. That and a million other scare tactics the bastard probably used. The bastard Alexis once dated. The thought made her sick

At least she was never attracted to him. She tried to use him, unsuccessfully, to move on with Julian. Thank God she never slept with him. This was like Tom Baker all over again. But this time she didn't have the excuse of being drunk.

"I know you used to see Dr. Bensch, but I promise, Alexis. I'm not lying!"

"Now, Kiki, I hope you know I trust and believe everything you're telling me."

"That's why I came to you. Molly always says you're an advocate for women like me."

Alexis took no little pride that her daughter shared such things with her friends. 

"I can't believe you've had to suffer through this alone. But don't worry. We'll get you through this."

"Thank you."

"Do you know if there is there any evidence that can help me make a case against him?"

"Maybe. He accused me of showing up to work late. He wrote me up a few times. Maybe some of the security cameras can prove I was on time?"

"Fantastic idea. That can prove intentional dishonesty and targeted harassment. What about the assault. Was there any physical damage?"

Kiki nodded vigorously, "I went to see a doctor out of town after the assault. They took pictures and scans. I could get you those medical records."

"Perfect. Anything else?"

"I started getting therapy shortly after. Maybe there might be something in those records. Or maybe you could talk to my therapist."

"Great. Is your therapist at GH?" 

"No. At the Lighthouse Clinic."

"I know it well. I have clients there all the time."

"I know. My therapist told me. She convinced me to talk to you."

"I'm glad you're getting treatment. And the Lighthouse provides such high quality care. How did you get connected with them?" 

"Uncle Julian did it all for me."

Alexis did a double-take, "Julian? He took you to the women's clinic?"

"He's actually been pretty great through all this. I didn't know where to go that night, so stayed at his place. He doesn't know exactly what happened, and he hasn't pushed me too hard. He slept on the floor in his little office for weeks. He made me take the fold-out bed. Then he made me get help. He threatened to tell my mom if I didn't."

"Really?"

"Yep. He called his therapist to ask what to do with me, and she volunteers at the Lighthouse, so she told him to bring me there. He took me to all my appointments to make sure I didn't go back on our agreement. Then he even started going to the clinic without me to work on the renovation project."

Alexis interrupted, "The renovation project?"

"Yeah, didn't you hear about it on the news? The Lighthouse is getting a major upgrade thanks to a mysterious benefactor."

"Julian?"

Kiki nodded, smiling. "Who would have thought he had it in him?"

"Why? Why is he doing it?"

"Whenever I asked, he just said they needed it, and he didn't like what he saw in the waiting rooms."

"How big is this renovation?"

"New gates, new roof and windows, solar, parking lots, and a complete remodel of both the clinic and the shelter."

"What is he getting out of it?"

Kiki shrugged. "Nothing, as far as I can see. Which is crazy. He has be putting in hundreds of thousands, if not a million dollars into the place. And he doesn't even want recognition for it. He's doing it under some org he created."

"Wow." Alexis was stunned. Why on earth would he do such a thing? 

"But you probably don't want to hear about Uncle Julian. Sorry for getting off topic."

"No, of course, it's fine."

"Well, I can call my therapist today to see if she can get you those records..."

"You know what? Don't worry about it. I'm heading out that direction today anyway. I'll request the paperwork for you while I'm there."

"Are you sure?"

"Of course. I just need you to sign these forms to release the information to me." Alexis pulled out some paperwork from one of the file cabinets right next to her desk. As Kiki signed the forms, Alexis was thinking of excuses to get out of the rest of her meetings that day. She had a change of plans.


	19. Transformative Connection

Transformative Connection

_________________________________

 

The clinic was in shambles and Julian was loving every moment of it. He brought in some temporary trailers for the clinicians to conduct their treatment during the renovations. After they finished the clinic, then they'd start on the shelter. Julian was paying an awful lot of money for enough men, equipment, and materials to get the job done in as short amount of time as possible. He didn't want to disrupt the lives of the women and children for too long, even if it would benefit them in the long run. 

As he watched the new roof get put on the building, he was distracted by a honk of the horn behind him as someone was locking their car. He turned to see a hybrid SUV. His heart did it's familiar back flips at the sight of it's favorite person. He smiled as she stepped around her car in her high heels and elegant skirt. She clearly wasn't there to help install the solar.

He walked meeting her halfway. "Alexis. What are you doing here?"

"I'm here on behalf of a client. I have some paperwork to pick up."

Julian turned and pointed to one of the temporary trailers. "That building over there is the office for the next couple weeks."

"Thank you." Alexis smiled at him with a questioning look in her eyes.

"You're wondering why I'm here?"

She nodded, "Oh, I know why you're here. I'm just wondering why you're doing it."

"How did you...?"

"I have my sources."

Julian turned to look at the work in progress. He couldn't help the grin spreading over his face. "It's going to be great for these women and families."

Alexis bumped him with her shoulder. "It's impressive, Julian. I can see you're proud of yourself." 

He looked to her, and she was smiling at him. If he wasn't mistaken, she was proud of him, too.

"Why?" she asked. "Why here? Why now? What possessed you to do all of this?" She waved her hand at the construction site.

As Julian was going to try to explain, a large excavator turned on not far from them, drowning out any hope of hearing each other speak. 

"Come on," he nodded toward the trailer. He put his hand at the small of her back to lead her to their destination. He liked how she didn't back away. When they reached the door, he stepped forward to open it for her. 

"Hi Tina," said Julian to the receptionist.

"Mr. Jerome. It's so good to see you. Can I get you some coffee or water?"

"Two coffees would be great. Thank you."

"Coming right up."

"Hey, Tina, I know Carol is out this afternoon. Do you think I could use her office for minute?"

"She wouldn't mind in the slightest, Mr. Jerome."

Julian kept his hand on the small of Alexis's back. He guided her to Carol's temporary space. There was a table with a couple of chairs. Julian pulled one out for Alexis, and sat on one next to her.

Tina came by with the coffee and packets of cream and sugar. When she left the office, she shut the door behind her.

"You've made yourself at home," she said.

"I've been spending a lot of time here. It would make life a lot harder if I didn't."

"Why are you doing this?"

Julian contemplated his answer. He didn't want to betray Kiki's confidence, but this was Alexis. As his wife, he told her everything. But he didn't know the rules about secrets now she was his ex-wife. "I probably shouldn't say anything, but I'm going to trust this stays between us."

"Of course, Julian."

He smiled. He loved the way she said his name. She always said it with such tenderness. Like the word was more precious than the others she was using. He understood. He treated her name with the same care. "Someone I care about was assaulted. I brought her here. They've been good to her. But the building was a disaster, old, rotting, dilapidated, infested."

Alexis laughed, "It wasn't that bad."

Julian laughed, too. "Ok, I'm making it sound terrible, and it wasn't terrible, but it was pretty bad. There was a bedbug infestation and no fresh mattresses."

"Oh God."

"How do you know what this place was like?"

"I do some pro bono work here on occasion."

Julian sipped his coffee thinking Alexis probably donated more in free legal consult here than he was donating in construction.

"Julian, you didn't really answer my question. You're pouring so much money into this place just because they're treating your niece well?"

"I didn't say it was my niece."

Alexis put her hand over her mouth. Julian liked when her guard was down.

"But you're right, Alexis," he went on. "There are other reasons I'm doing this." Julian lifted a hand to Alexis, grazing his fingertips across her cheek. "I've been thinking a lot about you."

"Julian..."

"I know, no surprise there. But I've been thinking more about what I did to you. How I hurt you. How I scared you. I was just talking to my therapist about that night on the docks. How I had this plan in my head that you knew nothing of. How I wanted one last kiss from you. But you had a knife to your throat, and you didn't want the kiss. I could feel your fear and your revulsion.

"I did to you what someone did to Kiki.

"I hate that I made you have to protect yourself. That I made you think you were in so much danger you had to use that dagger you hate so much. 

"I think about what I put you through that night. I think about it all the time. And I know I can't make it up to you. There's nothing I can do to take it away. And there is nothing you'll let me do for you to take care of you. I'm trying to repent, I guess."

"You're trying to make yourself feel better?" she asked.

Julian laughed, "Well that makes it sound selfish. But yeah, I guess I am."

Alexis laughed, "Well, this is a perfect way to do it. I've never been so proud of you, Julian. Not even when you got out of the mob."

"No one knows my involvement here, except you, Kiki, Scott, and some of the staff and contractors. I don't want attention for this. I don't want people to think this is about me trying to unsully my name."

"I won't say anything."

"Thank you."

"You're in therapy?"

He nodded. "I'm trying to figure things out. I don't want to make the same mistakes over again."

Julian found there was a point in all his conversations with Alexis where the draw for closeness between the two of them became unbearable. There were times when Alexis would find a way to leave their conversation before then, and there were times when the pull became too much. He was starting to feel the need to touch her, to kiss her. Their bodies weren't meant to be so far from each other when they were so close. He knew he'd try to kiss her soon if she didn't leave. And he knew she'd hate herself for letting it happen.

He didn't want her hating herself.

He stood. "I'll ask Tina to come in and get you whatever paperwork you need."

She stood with him. When he turned to leave she grabbed his hand to stop him. "Alexis..." he sighed.

"Julian." She wrapped her arms around him resting her head on his shoulder. Slow to react, Julian gently put his arms around her. 

"I'm so proud of you, Julian. I know I said it before, but I need you to know how much I mean it."

"I love you, Alexis. I hurt you, and I can't fix it. But I can try to make things better for other women who've been hurt. Even if it's just making things a little prettier for them, or making it easier for their real heroes, their therapists, to do their job."

He loved the way her arms squeezed him tight, and her heart fluttered against his chest. Julian knew he could kiss her now if he wanted. He knew she would let him. He'd appealed to her in a vulnerable place. 

But kissing her right now felt wrong, somehow. Yes, his goal in therapy was to be a good enough man to win her back. But it felt wrong to use his work at the Lighthouse to get her back. He was doing the work because the work needed to be done, and it was only fair that the work should be provided at the cost of a perpetrator. Because that is what he was. And he didn't deserve the woman in his arms just because he was giving back a portion of what he owed in penance.

Being a selfish man, he allowed himself a kiss on her forehead. His lips on her skin stirred his body, from his head, to his heart. He forced himself away from her.

"I've got to get back to Charlie's," he said. "Come back and see the place when it's done."

"I will."

"I'll have Tina come see you about that paperwork."

Alexis nodded.

Julian walked to the door and opened it. Fearful she would feel rejected, he turned his head back before leaving. Her eyes were misty as they connected with his. He silently mouthed the words, "I love you."

She smiled and nodded. He walked out the door.


	20. Generalization

Generalization

___________________________

 

"What is this?" Sophia stared at the beautiful, large orchid sitting in an expensive looking pot on her desk in her temporary office at the Lighthouse. 

"They're yellow orchids," said Julian.

"I see that. Why did you put them on my desk?"

"They're for you."

Sophia laughed. "Why?"

"Yellow orchids signify joy and new beginnings."

She shook her head. "You cannot possibly believe I've made you joyful or have given you a new beginning."

Julian laughed. "Well, maybe not, but I feel like I'm on my way."

"As grateful as I am for the gift, I can't accept it. That is way too expensive. I can lose my license over things accepting things like that from patients."

"Then it's not for you," said Julian. "It's for your patients. Put it in the corner and let them enjoy some new beginnings."

Sophia rolled her eyes. "My patients thank you."

"They're welcome."

"Now, tell me what the hell happened to get you in this silly mood. I have some time before my next patient."

"Look out the window, doc. It's coming along nicely." He gestured to the clinic under construction visible out the window.

"You're doing good things, Julian."

"I hope so."

"Are you here checking on the progress of the building?"

"Yes, and I'm doing some interviews over at the shelter."

"Interviews? For what?"

"I've opened a few waitress positions at Charlie's. Carol said some of the women were ready to leave the shelter, but needed some extra income."

Sophia put her hands on her hips, "Julian Jerome, what has gotten into you?"

"Alexis found out about my role in the renovations here. She said she was proud of me."

"So you're hiring people to make her even more proud?"

Julian laughed, "No! I'm not doing this then running to her for approval. It just felt nice to be doing things she thinks are valuable, whether she knows it or not."

Sophia was amused. 

"What?" he asked.

"It's very cute how smitten you are with her."

"I don't think she would see our relationship as �cute.'"

"Well, since Alexis is your great motivator, what else does she think you should do to be a better man? Can she ask you to put in a playground for the kids? How about a pool for the staff?"

Julian laughed. "You want a pool? A playground? I'll call the contractor."

"Stop, Julian. I was joking! If you want to spend more money, buy food or donate legal fees to these ladies. Do NOT put in a pool."

Julian just laughed.

"You can't buy her forgiveness, you know that, right?" said Sophia with a raised eyebrow.

He nodded. "Of course I know that. This isn't for her. It's for the women. I've been realizing to get Alexis's forgiveness, I would need to repent for far more than what I did to her on the docks. There aren't enough zeros in my bank accounts to make up for all the lives I've destroyed."

"Oh? What are you talking about?"

"I've spent decades as an organized crime leader. What do you think?"

"I have no clue. Tell me."

"I don't say this to scare you, and I certainly am not trying to boast. I tell you this with the utmost shame."

She nodded for him to continue.

"We're not in your GH office, is this still privileged?"

"Of course."

Julian inhaled and blew out slowly, then said, "I've killed dozens of people. Many of them at point-blank range in cold-blood. Only a handful of my victims were killed in self-defense. Most were power plays, sending messages, taking vengeance of some perceived wrongdoing. And those were ones I took with my own hand. That's not including hits or strikes I ordered for my organization. Hell, I shot one of my own sisters in the back. I pointed a gun at my other sister, who I adore, by the way, and threatened to kill her. 

"So, doc, you see how silly it was for me to get angry at you for calling me a liar the day we met? When in reality, I'm far worse. I'm a murderer."

Sophia wondered when Julian would get here. If he would ever get here. 

Julian continued, "You see, Alexis said we didn't have the same idea of right and wrong. The same moral code. How right she was. How willfully ignorant I was of what she was talking about. Yes, I knew I was breaking the law, but there was always a reason. Always an excuse."

"And you're just coming to this realization?"

"Pathetic, huh?"

She shook her head, "I'm reserving judgement. Tell me more."

"There are so many examples. But I'll start with one. I killed my best friend in cold blood. I stabbed him with the same knife I held to my wife's throat."

Sophia shook her head, "Why?"

"Is there really a reason I could give you that would make moral sense?"

"I suppose not, but help me understand your willful ignorance, as you called it."

"Ok. Well, the way it works in the mob, is if you do something illegal, then you cover your tracks. I ordered a hit on a man who was trying to have me killed. My best friend was the hit-man. I killed him to cover my tracks."

"How were you able to justify that besides being a selfish, power-hungry asshole?"

"I'm embarrassed to say."

"You should be embarrassed. You murdered your best friend."

Julian nodded, "You're right. A rival crime boss, Duke Lavery, put a hit out on me. I ordered my enforcer, Carlos to kill him first. Carlos executed him. When Carlos got caught, he threatened to flip on me if I couldn't get him free. Do you know what we call people in the business who talk to the police?"

"Rats."

"And you know what we do to rats?"

"Exterminate them."

"Exactly. When he broke out of jail, he asked me for help. I stuck him with the knife. It was up close and personal; it was revenge for his betrayal. I sent a message to anyone who might threaten me or flip on me in the future, and I protected myself from his blackmail."

"And you justified that because that is what should be done in your business?"

He nodded. "Yes. And Carlos also shot my sister, the one I care about. I used that as justification, too."

"Of course." Sophia was sick to her stomach. Her face contorted.

"I have dozens of other stories that would put the same look on your face, or worse."

"Why are you telling me this?"

"Because I couldn't understand what Alexis meant by fundamentally incompatible morality. The fact that I didn't understand what she meant should be reason enough for her statement. But now that I understand it, I see how sick it was."

"Now what?"

"Now I'm in the same place with realizing all these other victims' lives were destroyed by me in the same way I did to Alexis. I just refused for so long to put them in the same category because I love her, and I didn't love them."

"And now what? Are you saying with your new transformation, you love them?"

"No. I'm saying I hate myself for what I've done to them and to the people who loved them."

"Why?"

"Because the pain I caused Alexis made me realize what a God damn monster I am. Loving her, witnessing the effect I had on her has made me realize the effect I've had on all these other people."

Sophia fidgeted in her seat with restless energy.

"What are you thinking, doc? Out with it. Hit me straight."

"Honestly, Julian, I am struggling with a lot of conflicted feelings right now. Part of me wants to run out of the room screaming. Part of me wants to comfort you and tell you you're not a monster. Another part of me wants to tell you how to fix this."

"Tell me. Please tell me how to fix this."

"No!"

"Why not?!"

"Because then it wouldn't be you fixing it. It would be me! What the hell would it matter if I did it? That's NOT redemption!"

"I don't want redemption anymore!"

"What do you want?"

"To go back in time and never hurt anyone again."

"You want a fantasy!"

"Well, I don't know what the hell to do! I can't make it right! I can't bring back Duke! I can't bring back Carlos! Or anyone else!"

She shook her head. "Well you have to think of something."

Julian stood pacing around the office. "I did have one idea."

Sophia got an anxious feeling from the look on his face. 

He continued, "I could turn myself in. I could confess to everything. I could give their loved ones justice. Because of double jeopardy, I can't go down for the murder of Carlos or Duke, but there are plenty of other crimes that would more than make up for it."

"NO!" The word was out of her mouth before she even knew she was thinking it. "No," she repeated.

"Why not?"

"Because I don't want you in jail. I want you to have a life. I want everything you've worked for to be worth something. And damn it, I want to see you back with your girl."

As soon as the shock cleared from Julian's face, he smiled. "That doesn't sound like something a doctor would say."

"Shut up. I don't care."

"Don't worry, doc, I'm too selfish for that, I think. The only way I would do something like that is if..."

"...is if Alexis asked you."

He nodded.

"Think of something else, Julian. Think of other ways to do good. To do more good than you could if you were locked up."

"But I can't change what I've done to these people."

"If you can't help them, then find a way to help someone else."

"Like what?"

"You tell me. What would ease Carlos or Duke's eternal souls?"

Julian chewed it over, staring out the window. "Teddy. Anna. Robin. Griffin."

"What?"

"Their loved ones. Doing something for their loved ones."

"Now, there's a thought..."

"On second thought, Carlos might hate me for getting near Teddy. Duke wouldn't want me near his family."

"There are others ways you can make amends. Anonymously."

Julian sat and thought some more. "Ok...ok...I think I have an idea." He stood and walked to her door.

"What are you going to do?"

"I'm going to get you some pink roses, doc."

"Why?"

"For gratitude."

Then he turned the corner and walked away.


	21. New Beginnings

New Beginnings

_________________________

 

Alexis was looking over Monica's shoulder. Monica was scrolling on a laptop through the hospital security footage from several months previous. 

"There!" said Alexis. "Rewind a little. That was her."

"It says she showed up to work at 5:30 that day," said Monica, adding it to her list. "That is a half hour early. None of his accusations of her misconduct were truthful in her performance evaluations."

Alexis felt triumphant. "We've got him."

"I need him out of my hospital as soon as possible. I can't believe I let this happen right under my nose. Poor Kiki."

"Don't feel bad, Monica. I dated the bastard."

"At least you dumped him before it got serious."

Alexis took out a tablet with a list of other events Kiki gave her. "Do you mind if I keep at this for a while? I want to get as much as possible before Bensch finds out we're onto him and hires a lawyer."

"Sure. Why don't you take the laptop to the table over there. I need to draft an incident report, a termination letter, and make some calls to HR. Risk management is going to be all over this."

"Don't worry, Monica. Kiki doesn't want to sue the hospital. As a matter of fact, we'll even draft a thank you letter to you and the board for dealing with this matter swiftly and responsibly."

"That would be much appreciated."

Alexis took the laptop with the security feed to the conference table on the other side of Monica's office. She was searching for the night of the rape, hoping to get evidence of foul play.

"Hey, Monica. You got a minute?" said a loud, male voice walking in the door without knocking.

"Not right now, Scott. Go chase ambulances over at Mercy." 

"I need you to sign something real quick. It will only take a moment."

"Scott, haven't you learned by now to submit all your lawsuits to risk management?"

Scott tossed a legal document on Monica's desk. Then he dropped another on top of that. Then a third on top of that.

"What is this?"

"It's your lucky day. One of my clients is feeling generous of late."

Monica was looking over the paperwork. "Oh my goodness. This is a lot of money. Why the need for the contract?"

"My client wants to make sure the money is funded to these specific areas of the hospital."

"Who is your generous client? And why, if they're so generous, did they choose you as a lawyer?"

"Hilarious."

"Is this legitimate, Scott? You're not trying to pull the wool over my eyes?"

Alexis walked to Monica. "Do you want me to take a look at it for you Monica?"

"Alexis, I didn't see you here. How you doin?" asked Scotty.

"Hello, Scott."

"Nice win in the courtroom the other day. You put that poor new DA in her place."

"Thank you," she said as Monica handed over the documents. Alexis read through them briefly. The benefactor was an organization called The Yellow Orchid. Each document outlined donations to the hospital.

"The Yellow Orchid?" asked Alexis.

"That's my client," said Scott.

"I've heard of it before," said Monica. "That is the organization who is responsible for the Lighthouse renovations. It was all over the news a couple of weeks ago."

Alexis almost dropped the papers in shock. Julian? She looked over them once more. "This one lays out donations to the Stone Cates memorial wing and infectious disease research. This one lays out donations for oncology research on rare blood cancers. And this one is for spiritual counseling services for hospital staff and patients."

"The Yellow Orchid. I wonder who's the person, or people, behind the name," said Monica.

"These are all perfectly legitimate. As soon as they're signed The Yellow Orchid will authorize Scott Baldwin to deliver the checks."

"I've got them right here," Scott tapped his breast pocket.

"Let me call legal," said Monica. "I'll have them here in no time." Monica picked up the phone to make her call.

"Scott, what other donations has your client made?" asked Alexis, fishing for more information.

"We just transferred some money to several charities spearheading relief for Hurricane victims in Puerto Rico. There's also some money going to organizations fighting the opioid epidemic."

Alexis whispered in Scott's ear, "Why is Julian doing all this?"

"How do you know it's Julian? I never said who it was."

"Damn it, Scott. I know he's the one who funded the Lighthouse."

"No one is supposed to know, Alexis. Especially not you."

"Why not? Why is he keeping it a secret?"

"Because he doesn't want this to be about him. He's doing a good thing for once in his life. Let him do it his way."

"Why these charities, though? I understand the Lighthouse, but why these ones?"

Scott rolled his eyes. "Think about it for a second, Alexis. Use that analytical brain of yours."

Alexis thought of what other sins Julian might be trying to atone for. She started thinking out loud. "Puerto Rico...Carlos. The opioid crisis...the overdosed witness. But rare blood cancer? Spiritual counseling? AIDS treatment? Robin? Anna? Oh! Duke! It must be about Duke. He's donating to AIDS for Robin, the cancers for Anna, and spiritual counseling for Griffin."

Scott was looking impressed at her skills of deduction.

"He's paying his penance," said Alexis.

Scott just shrugged. 

"Is he planning more donations, Scott?"

"You know I can't talk about that, Alexis."

Monica moved around her desk and took the documents from Alexis. "Legal is on their way."

Alexis looked at her watch. "Monica, I'm late for an appointment, but would you mind me coming back in an hour to finish looking at the footage?"

"Of course, Alexis." 

She walked out, still in shock, and made her way to her therapy appointment.


	22. Possibilities

Possibilities

_____________________________

 

Alexis sat on the familiar chair in front of Kevin. She was still in shock. 

"What's going on, Alexis?"

"I just found out some interesting information."

"What's that?"

"Julian has been donating enormous amounts of time and money to helping different charities."

"Is that so?"

"I'm going to tell you something in the strictest of confidence..."

"That goes without saying."

"Did you see the renovations to the Lighthouse?"

"Yes. Some org called The Yellow Orchid donated the money for it. Are you saying it was Julian?"

She nodded. "And now he's donating money to all kinds of other charities."

"Why?"

"He said he knew there was nothing he could do to make up for what he did to me, so he wanted to help other women who went through what I went through."

"And the other charities?"

"They're all charities that are important to either his victims or family members of his victims of his mob activity. I haven't had a chance to talk about it with him yet."

Kevin narrowed his gaze in scrutiny. "Do you think he's trying to buy redemption?"

"No. He wanted to keep it anonymous. I found out by other means."

"What are you feeling right now, Alexis?"

Alexis looked to Kevin. His eyes looked worried for her. "Pride. Heartache. Love."

"What does this mean to you?"

"I think he's changing, Kevin. He's who I've been needing him to be."

"How do you know?"

"He's helping his victims families. He's always been so justified, so sanctimonious about his crimes. He made excuses for why they were necessary. He taunted Anna and Griffin after killing Duke. I didn't see him grieve Carlos, at all. But now he's trying to pay his penance. If you think about it, it's perfect. The families would never take money or help from him. He's giving in the best way he can."

"How much is he giving?"

"Millions. I have a feeling he's giving away his mob money."

"What does this mean for you and him, Alexis?"

She shook her head, "I don't know. Now is not a good time to ask me that question."

"Why not?"

"Because all I can think about is how badly I want him back."

"Even though what he did to you will never change? It will never go away?"

She closed her eyes tight. "It won't. You're right. Am I crazy, Kevin?"

He shook his head. "No. But I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried about you."

A pain stabbed in her chest at the thought of staying away from Julian any longer. It was almost as though she has been waiting this entire time for him to give her a reason like this to come back to him. She rubbed her chest, trying to massage the pain away.

"Look, maybe there's a way to do this that might end up better in the long run," said Kevin.

She opened her eyes. "What do suggest?"


	23. Proposition

Proposition

____________________________

 

Alexis paced back and forth. She thought she'd be able to meet Julian at Charlie's, but he wasn't there. When she called him, he was driving Kiki back from a group therapy appointment. And when Alexis said she needed to talk to him, he agreed to meet her at her place as soon as he dropped Kiki off at her apartment.

Which meant Alexis had to wait. And waiting meant pacing because she was so nervous she couldn't sit still. Alexis added anticipation as one of the most difficult emotions to deal with when sober. With her nerves running so high, she thought she might either end up relapsing, or end up jumping Julian as he walked through the door.

She made herself a cup of decaf coffee to try to calm her nerves. She sat on her couch running the words over and over in her head of what she wanted to say. Of how she wanted to ask him.

A knock sounded at the door. She looked and saw Julian through the shutters. Warmth flooded through her. She moved to the door and pulled it open; Julian was leaning against the frame.

She couldn't help her grin. "Hi," she said. She flushed at how handsome he was standing at her door the way he did when he courted her. 

"Hi." His answering smile was sweet. He looked pleasantly confused.

"Come in," she said with a voice unintentionally a few octaves higher than normal. She moved aside to let him pass.

"When I got your call, I thought there had to be some terrible emergency for you to ask me to come by. But there is nothing terrible about that smile on your face." His eyes glittered with joy watching her.

Alexis lead him through the living room and gestured for him to sit on the couch next to her. "I'm sorry for making you worry. It's not like that, at all."

"Then, to what do I owe the pleasure of your smile?"

Alexis found herself at a loss for words. When she didn't speak, Julian said, "Seriously, take your time. It's a rare thing for you and I to sit in the same room with you smiling at me. I'd like to enjoy this as long as you'll allow."

He sat back on the couch grinning ear to ear. 

"Julian..." she flushed.

"Alexis?"

"I wanted to ask you a favor."

"Oh?" he sat forward, clearly eager for a chance to do something for her. That was always the case with him. Anything to make her happy.

"I..." Why was she having such a hard time asking him? How could he make her so silly like this?

"You?" he teased. 

"I love you, Julian." Uh oh. That wasn't part of the plan. 

The smile left his face and was replaced by shock. "What did you say?"

"You heard me."

"No I'm clearly having hallucinations, or delusions, or something. I know it's impossible for you to call me over to your house, out of the blue, to tell me you love me."

"I love you."

"I must be going crazy," he said. But the broadening smile on his face gave away his comprehension of her words.

"Julian, please." She was embarrassed he hadn't said it back.

"You love me?" he asked as though he needed to hear confirmation one more time.

"You know I do. My saying it shouldn't be news to you."

"I know you've been trying not to love me for the past two years."

"I've been trying to move on."

He put a hand on her cheek. "It didn't work?"

She shook her head, leaning into his hand.

"Why are you telling me this now?"

"Because you're different. You've changed."

He laughed, "You're damn right. Because of you."

"The crazy thing was I was almost afraid I wouldn't love you so much if you changed. As though my attraction to you might diminish if you became a different person."

"Did it?"

"No. Quite the opposite. I've never wanted you more in my life."

He laughed an outburst of relief. He brought his other hand to her cheek, so he was cupping her face with his hands. His mouth inches from hers, he asked, "What are you asking of me, Alexis? I'll give you anything. I'll do anything for you."

"It was Kevin's idea. Come to therapy with me."

"Done." His response was so fast she worried he didn't hear her.

"You'll come?"

"Absolutely. How soon can we do it?"

She pulled his hands down from her face. "Just to be clear. I want us to go to therapy to work through things. I'm not ready for us to just get back together without..."

He kissed her, his lips gently on hers, stopping her from talking. Stealing her breath. 

"Julian," she mumbled against his lips, not wanting to pull away. "This wasn't supposed to happen."

He chuckled kissing her again. "This always happens with us."

"I know, I just want to do things right this time."

He pulled back and looked her in the eyes. "Do you want me to stop?"

She shook her head, "No. But I'm serious about the therapy. I'm taking a huge risk opening myself up to you."

"I know. I won't let you down. We'll start slow."

"We don't know the meaning of slow. Do you remember what happened the first time we met?"

"Do I ever. Mmm."

She laughed her eyes dancing. He kissed her again, this time his tongue caressed hers. She felt herself moving closer, pressing her body against him. She pulled back sharply. "I'm terrified, Julian. I can't go through it again. I'm not going to sleep with you until I'm certain you understand what that means."

To her pleasure, his face showed no discontent. "Of course, Alexis. Anything you need. I don't want you to be afraid of me. I couldn't be with you knowing I caused you fear. I don't ever want that again." He traced the curve of her cheekbone. "Just knowing there's hope for us is all I could ask for."

She dropped her forehead to his. "Thank you."

A loud rapping on the door made Alexis jump. Fearful one of her daughters might have seen her with Julian, she got up and rushed to the door.

"Oh, no. It's Grace." 

"Who is Grace?" 

"I'm her sponsor. Unsuccessful sponsor, by the looks of things. She looks drunk."

"Well, I'm not leaving you here alone with a drunk."

"She's like seventy-five or eighty years old. I think I can handle her."

"I'm not going, Alexis."

Alexis shrugged and answered the door.

"Hi there, Grace. What's going on?"

"Oh, Alexis, sweetheart. Fabulous to see you, darling. I missed you at the last AA meeting."

"Grace, I was at the last meeting. You weren't there."

"Exactly. I missed you!" She laughed. 

Alexis grabbed her by the arm and led her to the living room afraid she's have another fall. Grace sat on the closest sofa chair.

"Grace, honey, you've been drinking. Did you drive here?"

"Of course not! I don't have my license, remember?"

"How did you get here?"

She whispered, "I borrowed my neighbor's car."

"So you did drive? Does your neighbor know you have her car?"

"Of course she knows. I told her I'd be right back. She old, you know, and I said I'd pick up a spot of brandy for her. She doesn't like going out."

"Oh dear," said Alexis. She turned to Julian. 

Julian was just staring at the woman with a knotted brow.

"I'll call her a Lyft and send her home," said Alexis. "Did you hear that Grace? I'm getting you a ride home. You can't stay here when you're drunk. That was our agreement."

"I know, I know. I just thought you might take pity on an old lady and help me off the sauce again. Except this time, can we get some Xanax? Those DTs are something awful. I don't want to do that again."

"I don't have Xanax, Grace."

"How about bourbon? Your strapping young man there looks like he can handle his bourbon. This is your Julian, huh? Earn your girl back, go get me a glass of firewater, chap."

"No!" Julian's tone startled Alexis. She turned to look at him. Anger colored his face. "Nobody here is going to fetch you booze or drugs. You're going to get the hell out of here and never come back!"

"Julian?" said Alexis. She didn't want Grace in her house drunk, but she had no intention of banning a harmless old lady from her home ever again. 

But Julian's anger. Where the hell did it come from?

"Julian?" said Grace. "Nice name. Julian. I love that name, even if you're a bit of an asshole."

"You haven't begun to see what kind of an asshole I can be. You should really stop talking unless you want to catch a glimpse."

"Julian! What is wrong with you?" said Alexis. Moments ago, she never thought she'd see Julian like again.

"That woman. She's what's wrong with me!"

"What are you talking about?"

Julian moved in front of Grace. He bent down to meet her eyes. "Why are you here harassing my wife?!"

"Julian, she's harmless! She's not har..."

"Julian," said Grace repeating herself, "I love the name Julian. I named my son Julian. Did you know my son? He was a good boy. A smart boy."

Alexis grabbed Julian's arm and pulled. He hardly noticed she was there. She stepped between him and Grace, forcing Julian to look at her. When his eyes met hers, she saw anger and pain.

"Julian? Are you ok?"

He shook his head. He finally allowed Alexis to pull him away. 

"Sit tight, Grace. Give us a minute," said Alexis.

"If you've got any cooking sherry, I'll take a snort," said Grace as Alexis pulled Julian into the kitchen.

"What is going on, Julian? Why are you acting this way?"

Julian pulled Alexis in for a hug. He squeezed her so tight, she could hardly breathe. She wrapped her arms around him and rubbed his back trying to calm him. 

When he didn't calm, she pulled his face down to look at her. "Talk to me," she said.

"Alexis. That's my mother."

"What? No. There's no way she could be your mother."

"Well, you're right about that. She's the woman that birthed me. But she's no mother. It can't be a coincidence she's here. She had to know who you were. God damn it! Is she targeting you?"

"Julian, I don't even think she recognized you. She has no clue who you are. When was the last time you saw her?"

"When I was a kid."

"So she hasn't seen your new face?"

Julian shook his head. "But she had to see a paper, or something."

"Honey, she's been a drunk most of her life. I don't think she knows."

"Then why is she here?"

"She was trying to visit her daughter who's locked up. Olivia maybe? She got arrested for a DUI. She's on probation and can't leave town until she finishes a program."

"She was visiting Olivia? Why?"

"She said she screwed up her kids and she wanted to apologize. Make amends."

"And she thought Olivia would be her best bet?"

"Julian..." She ran a hand down the side of his face trying to comfort him. He leaned into her touch. The anger in his eyes faded. He dropped his forehead to hers. "She hurt you?"

He nodded.

"She says she wants to get to know her kids. She said she abandoned them because her husband was abusing her. She said she was afraid he was going kill her if she stayed. She said he would have hunted her down if she took the kids."

Julian turned his head and exhaled in frustration. "Is that what she said?"

"Yes." 

"What did she say about knocking us around as kids? What did she say about beating us with belts when she was on a drunken bender?"

Alexis put a hand to her mouth. She couldn't consolidate the dissonance of the Grace she knew with the abusive mother Julian spoke of. She just wrapped her arms around Julian's neck and pulled him in tight.

"I don't want her in this house. I hate the idea of that woman in your house," he said.

Alexis nodded. "I call her a ride."

"No, I can't wait that long. I'll drive her home in the car she came in. I'll come back for my car later."

"No, Julian. I don't think it's a good idea. Not when you're this upset, and not when she's too drunk to handle herself."

"I'm not going to hurt her, Alexis. I'm going to ignore her and drop her off."

"No. No. I'm calling her a ride. That's final."

Alexis let him go. She went back out to the living room to get her phone. 

Grace was gone. Alexis went down the hall to see if she was in the bathroom, but it was empty

"She left?" said Julian who was looking out the front door to the driveway. "Good. Leaving is the best thing she ever did for me."

Alexis decided to call the police. She couldn't allow a drunk woman to drive like that. To hell with Grace's probation. Allowing her to drive drunk without consequences would be enabling her. Maybe she'd sober up in jail.

When she finished her call she turned to Julian who was pacing behind her couch. "Are you ok?" She went to him and grabbed his hand and pulled him to sit with her.

"I'm sorry," said Alexis. "I had no idea."

Julian put an arm around her. "You have nothing to be sorry for. You were just trying to help someone."

"You never talked much about your mom."

"No, I thought talking about things would create problems."

"You still think so?"

He laughed. "The problems are there whether we talk about them or not. At least when we talk about it, we can try to fix it."

She rested her head on his shoulder. 

"Did I scare you, Alexis? I'm afraid I scared you when I yelled. That's the last thing I want to do."

"No, Julian. I was worried about you. And Grace. I'm still worried."

"I'm sorry, I was certain she was after you. I was afraid my family would hurt you again."

"She didn't tell me she hurt her children. She said she abandoned them, but not physically abused them."

"Honestly, Alexis, it was nothing compared to Victor. I just have no love for her and no trust."

"You've always spoken well about your nanny."

"Yeah, I guess my parents did one thing right. Rosa was a kind woman. She was as much of a victim of my parents as we were."

"Why did Rosa stay if your parents were so awful?"

Julian gave a sad smile, "I asked her once. She stayed for us. She said we needed her."

"She loved you."

Julian nodded. "And Grace didn't."

"And your father?"

"He loved us in his twisted way. He was just a power-crazed controlling man. And as long as I was working to please him, everything was fine."

"What happened when you disagreed with him?"

"There were consequences."

Alexis looked up at Julian with an aching heart.

"What?" he asked.

"I can see it better now."

"What?"

"Why you made the choices you made. And I can see how hard it must be to change."

He nodded. "I didn't know there was another way."

"You know now?"

He nodded and kissed her forehead. "Thanks to you."


	24. Reciprocity of Affection

Reciprocity of Affection

_____________________________

 

Sophia watched Julian's eyes. They were always on Alexis. He hung on her every word, her every gesture. Sometimes his eyes would scan her body in concern, making sure she was ok. Sophia could tell that's what they were doing by the way his brow creased as his eyes raked her up and down. 

Other times, he looked like he was hypnotized by her moving lips. His eyes would gloss over and a serene smile would appear at his lips.

And sometimes, he would bite his cheek, cross his legs, and look away, obviously stifling his arousal. It was one of the few times his eyes weren't on her in the session.

Alexis was talking, mostly to Kevin, about parallels between her and Julian's abusive and controlling fathers and how easy it was for Julian and Alexis to fall into old habits of either reenacting their early object-relations patterns or overcompensating for them. 

While Alexis spoke, Julian watched her with rapt attention. He had an arm over the back of the sofa they were sitting on together. Sophia could see his fingers tangling in some strands of her hair that were resting on the couch.

The two people sitting in front of Sophia and Kevin seemed to be polar opposites. Julian was relaxed, spread out on the couch, and entirely focused on the woman next to him. Alexis, on the other hand, seemed a cerebral, anxious being, who probably read more Melanie Klein than Sophia ever did, and hardly seemed to notice Julian and Sophia were present. 

Sophia wondered if Alexis felt the same way about Julian as he so obviously felt for her. She rarely looked at him. There were times she even seemed to be avoiding him. Sophia was trying to think of a way to find out Alexis's feelings for Julian, because the theoretical jargon she was talking to Kevin wasn't sitting well with Sophia.

A loud knock sounded at the door. Kevin moved to answer it. "Pardon me, I'm on call for psychiatric emergencies." 

When he opened the door, a nurse was standing there with a look of urgency on his face. "Dr. Collins, we need your consult stat!" said Felix Dubois. 

"Give me a moment," he told Sophia. "I'll let you know if we need to reschedule."

Sophia acknowledged him with a wave of her hand. "Let's take a minute to see if Dr. Collins will be able to come back," she told Alexis and Julian.

Alexis nodded and stood, "Do you mind if I stretch my legs?"

"By all means."

Alexis moved to the back of the office and paced back and forth. Instead of straining his neck to follow her with his eyes, Julian stood to watch her. Back and forth she walked with nervous energy.

Julian moved to her, concern in his eyes. He abruptly stepped in front of her, breaking her stride. His large hands grabbed her waist.

"Hey," he said, "are you ok?"

She nodded.

"You're nervous."

She nodded. "I just really need this to work." A tear dripped down her cheek.

"Me, too," he said, wiping the tear from her cheek. Standing face to face in their semi-private moment gave Sophia a window into their relationship she'd yet to see in therapy. 

They way Alexis looked at Julian was reverent. The strain in her hands gripping the man in front of her, the biting of her lower lip, the look in her eyes of longing and admiration, and the way she seemed to calm when he pressed his lips to her temple, all showed her love and devotion to him far more than all the words she was saying to Kevin. Sophia realized the nervous energy, the intellectualization, the dictation of conversation was all Alexis's way of expressing her love for the man she was so afraid might harm her again. 

Kevin walked back into the office. "I'm sorry everyone, but I am going to have to handle this situation. You can continue with Sophia for today, and we'll meet the same time next week as a group." 

"Good luck," said Sophia, pleased she wasn't the one on-call.

Julian led Alexis back to their seats. When they sat, this time she leaned into him as his arm wrapped around her.

"Should we continue the discussion on object transference?" asked Alexis.

"No," said Sophia. "We can do that next week with Kevin."

"Oh, ok," said Alexis. Sophia noticed Julian smile. Alexis asked. "What do you suggest we discuss?"

"Can I just tell you how touching that moment was for me?"

Alexis looked confused. 

"Just now as Kevin stepped out. Your defenses were down, you weren't caught up in doing this relationship so perfect or �right.' Julian recognized your vulnerability, and you shared it with him. You accepted his empathy and his comfort. But more than that, the connection the two of you have is undeniable. It radiates off you, especially when you're not analyzing everything around you."

Alexis nodded. "Accepting comfort from Julian is something I've been having to retrain myself to do. But when I allow myself to do it, there is no greater relief."

"Having to retrain yourself? It's difficult to do? It looked pretty easy to me."

Alexis put a hand on Julian's leg before she said, "After the whole dagger/Liv fiasco, all I wanted was to run to him. To accept his comfort, but I couldn't allow myself to do it. I couldn't trust him to be the man I needed. I've spent a long time denying myself, denying him. It's an adjustment to let go the inhibition."

"I traumatized her, doc," said Julian. "It's going to take some time for us to get back to the way things were, but I see glimpses. She's learning to trust me again."

"You have to remember," said Alexis, "that it's not as simple as getting over what Julian did to me."

"Explain," asked Sophia.

"I don't know what Julian told you about my childhood.."

"Very little. So far, we've focused mostly on restructuring his ethics."

"I see. That was time well spent. But I'll tell you what Kevin and I have spent most of our time on...The dagger Julian held to my throat was the dagger my stepmother killed my mother with." Sophia remember Julian telling her that. "In front of my eyes as a small child."

"Oh. And you knew this, Julian?"

Julian nodded solemnly.

"The same dagger you killed Carlos with?"

He hung his head.

"Continue, Alexis," said Sohpia.

"My stepmother has held that dagger to my throat before. And then, after she killed my mother she was appointed my guardian..."

Sophia was beginning to understand, "PTSD, complex developmental trauma, all re-triggered by what Julian did?"

Alexis confirmed.

"How are you a functional human being, Alexis? What kind of resilience do you have in that backbone of yours to have a career, friends, and family?" Sophia asked in awe.

"Don't give me too much credit. I'm not always functional. Julian must have told you about my drinking?"

"Yes."

"You see, when something terrible happens, I tend to dissociate, block memories, repress, numb, withdrawal."

"Whereas Julian fights."

"Exactly. Julian has come a long way in letting me come back to him at my own pace, rather than fighting for me head on. And I am trying to stay sober, experience reality, and not block myself off from feeling vulnerable."

"How can Julian help you to do that?"

"Julian already does a lot to help. He's patient, empathic, supportive. He just..." she hesitated, clearly not wanting to hurt Julian's feelings.

"What?" asked Julian.

Alexis turned to him, "You just need to be honest with me...about everything. The lies kill us every time." 

"How do the lies make you feel, Alexis?" ask Sophia.

"Betrayed. I feel like...like..."

Julian lifted her chin to look him in the eye when she spoke. His face was sad, but curious and inviting, "Tell me."

"I feel so devalued. Like your business or saving yourself is more important than me."

Julian let out a sound that Sophia could only call a whimper. Then, he said, "I won't be responsible for making you feel that way again, sweetheart. No more lies. Ever. The truth is, I always believed lying to you was taking care of you, as twisted as that sounds. I see how wrong I was. I see the damage the lies caused. I want you to feel safe, and secure, and loved. Everything you never felt with Mikkos or Helena."

"I want the same for you Julian," she said. "Victor and Grace. The damage they did. I want you to know how lovable, and valuable, and worthwhile you are."

The door opened once more. Sophia exhaled sharply, irritated at the interruption at such a delicate moment in therapy. Kevin came in with a somber look on his face.

"Grace Martin is in ICU. She was brought in for an overdose. She's asking for you."

"Why would my mother want to see me? I didn't think she even knew who I was," asked Julian.

"No, she's asking for Alexis."


	25. Last Wishes

Last Wishes

_______________________________

 

Alexis moved to sit next to Grace in the ICU. Kevin pulled some strings to allow Julian in with her. Julian stayed by the door, clearly hesitant to get to close to his mother, but not wanting to leave Alexis alone with her either.

"She's awake and oriented," whispered Kevin, "But she's in critical condition. She did a number on her organs with that overdose. It's not looking good."

"What did she overdose on?"

"Plain old Acetaminophen. Not very flashy, but in the amounts she took, effective. I'll leave you to it." Kevin quietly left the room.

Alexis put her face in her hands because the stimulus of Grace hooked up to all the tubes and machines that typically accompanied someone to ICU was overwhelming.

"Oh, don't do that, Alexis," said a feeble voice from the bed.

"Hi, Grace." Alexis dropped her hands.

"So apparently I'm both a failure at living and dying. I couldn't even do this right. I had to make it long and painful."

"Why did you do it, honey?"

"Alexis, I've been miserable for almost eight decades. Now I'm stuck in this town where my husband terrorized me, where my children destroyed themselves, and where I have nothing. I can't stay off the booze, so I'll never get out of here unless I go on the run. And how far and an old lady like me run?"

"There is a better way than this, Grace."

"Not for me. I'm weary, Alexis."

Alexis sighed, "I'm sorry I wasn't a better sponsor."

"Oh, cut that crap, Alexis. I was always going to drink. It's what I do."

"I wish I could do something to help."

"You can." Grace reached for Alexis. Alexis grabbed the old, weak hand. "That's why I asked them to call you."

"What, honey? What can I do?"

"Can you write my daughter a letter for me? Her name is Olivia St. John. She's locked up at Darkham. Tell her I'm sorry I was a shitty mom. Tell her I was thinking about her in my last days."

"Grace, you might get through this."

Grace smiled, shaking her head. "No. The acetaminophen levels are going to keep rising; that's how the drug works in the body. My organs won't survive this at my age."

"There's a chance you can survive, Grace."

Grace just smiled.

"Fine, I'll send a letter for you to Olivia." Alexis hated the thought of doing anything for the woman who terrorized her family. "What about your other children?"

Grace shook her head. "No, don't send them anything. Evan's dead. And...Julian. Don't send Julian anything."

Alexis looked back at Julian. His face was a mask. The only indication of his body that suggested anything more than indifference was the tension evident in his shoulders and tightly-balled fists.

"Why not, Grace? What about Julian?"

"Alexis, staying away from Julian is my gift to him. Julian was always the best one. Better than Evan, better than Victor, better than Olivia. Even Victor thought so. He was the only one with half a chance at a decent life. And I'm poison, Alexis. I wasn't good enough for him when he was a boy, and nothing has changed all these years later. Why subject him to this?"

"Did you love him?"

Grace nodded. "I love him. I love him enough to stay away from him. He doesn't need my baggage."

"Shouldn't you let him decide what he needs?"

Grace shook her head. "No, Alexis. Don't try to reason with me. My mind is set. Go home to that handsome young man you've got, and live the rest of your life better than the years before. Go, Alexis. I'm going to ask the nurse for no more visitors. I don't want you coming back here."

Alexis felt a hand on her shoulder. She turned to find Julian behind her.

"Thank you for being my friend," said Grace. "Goodbye."

"Goodbye, Grace."

Julian pulled Alexis up and back behind him. He nodded for her to leave the room. Alexis took a few steps to the door before she realized Julian wasn't behind her. She turned and saw Julian looking over his mother.

"Thank you," he said.

"For what?" said Grace.

"For teaching me how I don't want to die. Alone. Miserable. Self-defeating. Thank you for teaching me how I want to live; nothing like this."

Julian ran a hand over his mother's face. "Goodbye, Mom."

"Julian? My Julian?"

Julian turned and left the room, his face solemn and grave. He held a hand out for Alexis. Alexis looked once more at Grace before putting her hand in Julian's and walking out the door.


	26. Reaction

Reaction

_________________________________

 

Julian sat at his bar pouring himself another glass of bourbon. Alexis was meeting with a client and was going to come to him later for dinner. He knew he shouldn't drink too much. He felt bad kissing Alexis with liquor on his breath. But the pain of the loss of his mother weigh heavier on him than he anticipated. More so than even Victor's death. He pulled back the rest of his drink, emptying the glass. 

A man sat next to him at the crowded bar. Julian recognized him. The doctor Alexis went on a few dates with after Julian got out of jail.

"You got another glass there, pal?" asked Bensch.

Julian's hostility for the man was greatly lessened seeing as how Bensch was no longer a rival for Alexis and her affections.

"Sure." Julian reached across the bar and grabbed a glass. "Ice?"

"Neat."

Julian poured from the bottle he had sitting next to him.

"Cheers." Bensch drank the double in one shot.

"Tough day?" said Julian.

"Well, I lost my job. I'm probably losing my license. And I might be losing my freedom pretty soon."

"No kidding?" Julian poured him another double, and he noticed his own mood started perking up. He had his job, he had his girl, and he had his freedom. "On the house, man."

They drank in silence for a while.

After his third and final drink, Julian stood and walked back around the bar putting the bourbon back on the shelf.

The door opened to reveal Alexis and Kiki walking in together. Julian smiled. His family was slowly coming back together. Alexis, Kiki, Leo, Ava, and Avery were back in his life. There was hope with Lucas. And maybe one day, Sam would come around.  
Julian met them halfway. "Two of my favorite girls." He gave them each a kiss on the cheek. He stayed mindful that Alexis didn't need him breathing bourbon breath all over her.

"You ok?" she asked.

He nodded, "Now that you're here. What are you two doing together?"

Alexis smashed her lips together. Julian wondered what she was keeping from him.

Kiki chuckled, "Alexis agreed to be my lawyer."

"For what?" said Julian.

"I'm pressing charges against the man who assaulted me," said Kiki.

Julian looked between the two girls. A grin plastered across his face. "You are?"

"My therapist helped me realize that if I didn't press charges, he would keep offending. And she helped me realize I deserve justice. Alexis and Monica Quartermaine are making sure my place in the program is secured."

Julian was gratified the counseling was helpful. "What do you mean, your place in the program is secure? Why would your place in the program be in jeopardy?"

"Because that's where it happened, at work. By my supervisor."

"What!?" Heat flooded through Julian from his head to his fists, which he realized were balled and ready for a fight.

Alexis touched Julian's face. He took some deep breaths, realizing he might scare her with his anger. "Julian? Kiki needs support and encouragement."

He nodded. "Who was it, Kiki?"

"Dr. Bensch."

The fire returned. Anger, rage, hatred filled his blood. 

"Julian?" said Alexis.

Julian turned around and took a few quick strides to the bar. He grabbed Bensch's coat and pulled him off the chair. He dragged the yelling man, throwing him up against the wall, pinning him there. He raised a fist, pulling it back for maximum momentum to collide with his...

"Julian!" said Alexis.

The sound of her voice stopped him in his tracks. Julian had never felt so conflicted in his life. A few years ago, he would have personally handled the long, slow, painful torture of the pervert in front of him. He would have killed him with his bare hands and dumped his body in the ocean weighed down by cement blocks.

But the whole reason Alexis was giving him another chance was because she believed he changed. She believed he didn't think violence a viable option to solve problems anymore, no matter how strongly he felt justified in his actions. She made a career out of the justice system. 

And hurting this man in front of two victims of assault would only traumatize them further.

Julian backed off. "Get the hell out of my pub, you asshole. You're lucky. You have no goddamn idea how lucky you are."

Bensch stumbled past him and out the door.

"I'm sorry," he looked at Kiki and Alexis. "I'm sorry. Forgive me. I didn't mean to react like that. I'm sorry. I..."

Alexis wrapped her arms around him. "It's ok, Julian. It's ok. The police are looking for him now. Kiki and I just pressed charges. We turned over plenty of evidence against him, thanks to you making sure she got treatment after the assault."

Alexis kissed his cheek, "I'm proud of you." She smiled. 

"We should call the police and tell them he was here," said Kiki. "I'll take care of it." She stepped away to make the call.

"I can't believe that bastard. That fucking bastard," said Julian to Alexis.

Her grip tightened around him. "It's going to be ok, Julian. Kiki's, going to be fine. He's not going to hurt any more people."

Julian nodded. "Ava would be furious with me for letting him go."

"Do you want Ava's approval more than mine?"

He shook his head. "Thank you for stopping me from throwing everything we've worked for out the window on a bastard like that."

"I'm proud of you." 

He hugged her tight, knowing he made the right decision.


	27. Journey

Journey

_____________________

 

It was a late night at the pub. They were short staffed and Julian had to fill in some of the gaps. He didn't mind the work, but he did mind being away from Alexis. He walked up to the front door of the house he built for Alexis and took a deep breath. He knocked gently and waited.

The shades split open, and he could see Alexis peering at him. The door opened inward. 

"Hi," she said with a giddy smile on her face. She looked adorable with her hair piled on top her her head in a messy knot. She was wearing a camisole and linen pants. She looked edible.

"Hi," he repeated, certain his smile mirrored hers.

"I told you not to knock. You can just come in. And I know you still have your old key."

He shrugged, "Then this might lose its effect." He took the flowers out from behind his back and presented them to her.

"Gardenias!" She pulled him in for a kiss. His mouth opened and he pulled her in with an arm around her waist. He lifted her with that arm and shut the door behind them. He pinned her against the backside of the door and did his best to show her with his lips how much he missed her during his day.

"Wow," was all she could say.

"You're telling me." He kissed her again. He could kiss her for hours; feeling her tongue against his, her mouth sucking gently, the little moans of pleasure, the rocks of her body against his...

"We have to stop for a second," she said before returning her mouth to kiss him again.

"Uh-uh," he mumbled against her mouth.

She pulled her lips away, "Yes, we do. I need to get these flowers in a vase before they end up on the floor with our clothes."

"I'll buy you more flowers." He sealed his lips over hers again.

"Mmm," she hummed.

To his dismay, she pulled back once more. "We have to watch the news. They're doing a piece on the Lighthouse."

"Oh?" he asked, finally letting her free. She pulled out a vase from the cabinet and went to the kitchen to fill it with water. When she returned he sat next to her on the sofa.

"Oh, look, here it is," she said. They watched the broadcast showing the new renovations and discussing the mysterious benefactor.

"Julian, I didn't know you put in a playground for the kids!" 

Julian liked the way Alexis put her hands over her heart when she said that. 

"It was a special request from Sophia."

Alexis kissed him again. If this was the reaction he got to for putting up some swings and a slide, which he did with his own two hands a few days previous, then he planned on peppering Port Charles with play equipment. 

Julian laid her back on the couch, the news all but forgotten. Instead, all he could think of were curves of the woman who lay beneath him, and how he planned on worshiping every peak and valley on that body for the next few hours. He pulled the tie out of her hair, letting it fall loosely around her face. He tangled his hands in the soft strands, and inhaled the scent of gardenias that always lingered there.

Their intimacy was interrupted by the next news story, "And Breaking News this evening, Doctor David Bensch pleaded no contest in court today for charges of rape against a twenty-four year old pre-med student he was supervising at General Hosp..."

The television turned off. Alexis had grabbed the remote off the coffee table and turned off the TV. "That's not a name I want to hear when we're about to...you know."

He sat up, pulling her with him. They tangled their arms and legs around each other. "Ava called. She's no longer angry with me now that Bensch is going to jail. By the way she was talking, I think she's going to make sure Bensch is going to have to go into protective custody while incarcerated."

"Why?"

"She hasn't lost all her nefarious connections."

"I see."

"Does it bother you?"

"No. What Ava does isn't a concern for me."

Julian was relieved. "I was thinking today, how different you and Ava turned out."

"That's a compliment."

"Seriously, Alexis. I mean, I turned out just like my father..."

"You're nothing like your father," she interrupted.

"I'm not like him any longer, but I was for a while. But not you. You never turned into your father. I was thinking it was probably a gender thing, but Ava is a woman, too, and she is more like Victor than you are like Mikkos."

Alexis shrugged. "I think my mother raising me for my early, formative years played a role in my moral resilience. I give her credit for me not becoming Mikkos, or Helena."

"I give you and my nanny all the credit for any hope of a development of scruples. My mother certainly didn't bestow any on me."

"How are you doing with your mom's death?"

He shook his head, "I don't know. Sad, relieved, angry, indifferent, in denial, at peace. Every moment a new feeling."

"I can see how you would be conflicted. You're mother was a complicated woman."

"Yes. That she was."

"I'm conflicted about her loss, too. I really liked her, Julian. But knowing what she did to you makes me so angry."

He shrugged. "She was a victim, too. Her father was terrible to her, so was mine."

"Yes, she told me."

"The cycle of violence is a sick thing, isn't it?"

Alexis nodded, "But you know the best part about it all?"

He shook his head in question.

"We're ending the cycle now. We didn't abuse our children. We are no longer hurting each other. Our family has a real chance at a different kind of life. And the work you're doing for other families is incredible."

"I took my lead from you."

Alexis rolled her eyes, "Well, my efforts at being a sponsor were a miserable failure."

"But they weren't your failures."

Alexis smiled, "I guess you're right." She kissed his cheek. "I met with Kevin today."

"Oh? Good session."

She nodded. "He told me the Psychiatry Department at GH received a substantial donation from The Yellow Orchid."

"Is that so?" Julian played dumb.

"For suicide prevention programs."

Julian nodded. Alexis kissed him again. "I'm so proud of you."

"You've been saying that a lot lately."

"You've been earning it. I love you, Julian."

"I love you, Alexis.

They kissed once more.

Julian stood and held out a hand to Alexis. He lead her upstairs to their bedroom. As they disrobed each other, Julian said. "I wish we could've skipped all the heartache and all the pain and went straight to this. Just you and me, and nothing between us."

He laid her down on the bed and kissed her deeply. Alexis pulled her lips away only for a moment to say, "The journey to the answers is what makes them valuable, Julian."

And Julian was in awe that his horrific journey had such a blissful ending, and grateful to the woman in his arms for the redemptive power of her unconditional love.


End file.
